It's been a while since I've written here. There is lots going on. In my inner and outer world. I thought maybe I'd just write a bit and see what comes of it. I've written a lot lately, privately, about my childhood. It's been very interesting and enlightening, seeing where I have been 'stuck' and why. The religious programming of my mother, my own religious programming with the fear of God sending me to hell for being 'evil and bad' -- which I felt at the age of 7 leading up to my baptism at 8 and which I fully signed up for after my baptism. I see how quickly I revert to telling myself I am 'evil and bad' whenever anyone is even mildly upset with me: my boss, my kids, Tonya, my friends, clients, anyone... that's my tape: I'm evil and bad. Religion and my upbringing did this for me (in part -- I believe in large part), and I've run with the tape and made it my own. I realize that since I've been a therapist that I've been giving myself therapy; I've been working on building new tapes, putting up 'bumpers and hedges' to protect me from, well, from me. The tools I give my clients are tools which I give to myself. And that's ok, because it's what I need to do. And I matter. Just as much as the clients that I see. I almost always tell my clients "I'm just like you, and you're just like me, and we're fine, as is, perfect". Some days I have moments when I believe it. I feel myself creeping towards more full acceptance of me and my imperfections. And they are all relative. I just, well, yeah. The future is uncertain and things always work out for the best, no matter what we think in the present moment.
Let's see. What to talk about that's a bit less 'me'...
I've lately thought about the LDS / PROP 8 position of "let's all have a respectful dialogue about us taking your rights away to marry and treating you as less-than human". I've thought: "The LDS Church today marries more than one woman to more than one man, in their Temples. That is NOT "one woman and one man" that is NOT "traditional marriage". Perhaps, if the world were to start initiating legislation to close down LDS Temples and remove the rights of Mormons to marry in the Temple, well, I wonder how "cordial" they would be about such a stance and political movement? I know that if I was gay and couldn't marry, I'd be less than cordial towards an organized religion getting involved in politics to block my access to marriage and all of the rights that go along with that 'institution'. I am thankful for Paul Martin for legalizing same sex marriage in Canada. Now if we could get around to spending (investing) Billions on homelessness and poverty vs. fighter jets and G20 meetings...
The other day Kenzie did some drawings on some canvasses, beautiful drawings. Now her friends want her to do some painting for her. She's so talented that way, and in many many other ways. You rock Kenzie. YAY YOU!
Sierra's anxiety about schooling is going way down. Her current teacher, Mrs. P? is awesome. Totally awesome. Understands Sierra and works with her challenges and needs.
Sadie's doing great in school, has close friends and doesn't take crap from anyone. That's just so great. She is so great.
Braiden now has a job at Wal-Mart and is thinking about his future and schooling. Yay for being done High School! Scary, I remember 1991 and finishing my High School and not having a clue what do to. Not much has changed. :)
Tonya... is working... I don't know... "a lot". Dog walking, house cleaning, business cleaning, behavioral therapy work with autistic children. She's working 6-7 days a week. She needs a break. I need to find a way to bring in more $. I have business ideas, which I think are viable, I just need to 'do it'. I am working on them, bit by bit, but I need to get more dedicated to it. T deserves that. I suppose we deserve that, if it brings in more $ that will give us more down time and more of what we need. I also feel horribly guilty that she 'has to work' and isn't in school. I'm submitting T2201 paperwork shortly for Braiden and Sierra, hopefully that will give her a year or two of schooling $. No. It WILL. I need to talk more in the land of the affirmative.
The other day I looked at what it would take to become a Neurologist and or Child Psychiatrist. Courses on MATH and Biology and Chemistry. FORMULAS. MEMORIZATION. I felt a nudge. Almost like something was saying "you COULD do this now you know, you're not the same as when you were 16 and terrified of calculus and went to Finite math instead". I actually looked up Calculus the other day, I had no idea what it really 'is' other than some big scary math 'thingy' full of complex formulas. I actually understood a bit of what I was reading. I also read about tangents and slope and 'rise over run' and saw that I understood most of what I was reading. Before I'd just block these mathy-words out as I couldn't grasp their meanings. I suppose my inner voice had a lot to do with it: "I can't understand this and it's too hard" = reality. Plus, well, 20+ years of brain maturation (still waiting for more maturation... ) has likely helped. I don't know. The next 7-10 years will happen anyway... kids are growing up... do I go back to school? BSc degree? ME? That is the funniest thing I'd ever think... that I'd even consider a science degree. Though. When I was 19 I took a an aptitude / entrance type exam (CAT? I can't recall) for American Universities (thinking I'd go to BYU one day). I do recall that was in the 99 percentile for science. I realize that's not definitive that I 'understand' or would be 'good at' science but maybe... I don't know... interesting thinking anyway. Maybe one day I'll work with stroke victims as a Neurologist who himself has had a stroke? Maybe. The future is full of endless possibilities.
Well, that's it for now I think. Funny (in a thankful way), I always feel better when I write.
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