IDEALISTS ARE SIMPLY MISUNDERSTOOD REALISTS

HOW HAPPY AM I?

2012-01-23T10:55:00.000-08:00

Recently someone asked me "how happy are you?"

After about 30 seconds of reflection, I told them "I am happy 95% of the time".

I think that's quite accurate.

I'm rarely sad and can only recall three-ish times when I've felt 'true depression'.

I'm mostly positive, optimistic and hopeful (with a good helping of 'stubborn' thrown into the mix).

I am also sometimes 'meh' and 'just ok', sometimes anxious, sometimes spinning in my own thoughts, but it doesn't last long. And I also consider these states of mind to be on the 'positive side' of the happiness equation (maybe not fireworks and life is amazing, but certainly not on the negative side of the line). To me, sad and depressed are on the negative side while occasional worry, or doubt or anxiety don't make it onto the 'down side'.

I rarely see problems as, well, problems. Instead I see problems as "solutions not yet operationalized".

When I hear, feel, see or experience a setback, an issue, or a 'problem' my mind naturally 'steps back' to find solutions. It's automatic. Yes, I realize this is what 'men do' in contrast with women who often want to talk about the issue, men want to find a solution (stereotypically, depending on personality type, etc.). I think I may be even more so than most men as I can't see things as a problem, even if I try; it's like problems don't even exist to me. Maybe this is why I can help people with and through their problems, anxiety and issues. When they say A,B and C is an issue for them I'm immediately thinking, "ok, you see it as a problem however I can clearly see that D,E and F will help you, so let me help you to see this too".

Anyway, I'm positive, optimistic and maybe too 'head in the clouds' to see problems, however I think that seeing solutions to 'issues' helps my moods, lowers my anxiety and allows me to be 'happy' most of the time. If you go through life seeing things as 'problems' and having no grasp of potential solutions, well, frankly, to me, that's rather depressing.

95%. I think that's rather high. And no, I don't see that as a problem. ;)

YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHEN...

2012-01-16T14:20:00.000-08:00

You know those days when you're meeting with clients and it's like you were meant to be there?

Like you of all people in the Universe were the one who was meant to connect with them?

That you, from your life experience(s) and life lessons learned in the School of Life were the best person to offer them a listening ear, a caring heart and insights as to how they can change their life, their thinking, their feelings and their own personal Universe? (And perhaps give them a run-on sentence or two while you're at it).

Today has been one of those days.

I love days like today. =)

DREAMS (YOU'RE A DREAM TO ME)

2012-01-15T19:47:00.000-08:00

Totally amazing mind

So understanding and so kind

You're everything to me

TOP VALUES AND PRIORITIES

2012-01-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

Love:

- my children

- my wife

- my friends

- myself

- my clients / the world

Time:

- with my children

- with my wife

- with my friends

- with myself

Honesty

- with others (how I feel, what I can or cannot do, what I like or dislike)

- with myself (about my needs, feelings)

Kindness

- to those who need it (everyone, including: me)

Fun

- do things I enjoy, 'give to me'

- make fun for others, things they enjoy

Happiness and joy and peace

Be authentic.

Intelligence

- continual learning, reading, courses, schooling

- not being afraid to say what I do not know, so that I can learn

DEAR ME

2012-01-05T17:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Me,

It's never quite what you think it is.

Step back.

Sit down.

Lie down.

Relax on the shore.

Notice the beauty.

Embrace the real.

Be in the now.

Let the leaves go by.

Make a sand castle.

Count your blessings.

Love yourself.

Remember your priorities.

Be content.

Be in the now.

Repeat as needed.

Love,

PUBLICLY SEEKING SEX

2012-01-04T11:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Tonya's sister called. Tonya said Evelyn's voice sounded like she was at a funeral.

Seems Tonya's Aunt who lives with Tonya's dad had heard from her sister (Tonya's other Aunt... are you keeping up here?) that I had PUBLICLY been seeking "sex" on my facebook account.

Now, my initial reaction was to hide.
Then I wanted to rant and rave against moronic gossip that has no foundation in reality.
Then I wanted to rant and rave against LDS Mormon programming.
Then I thought "I am never going to see Tonya's family members again because I just can't deal with the insanity and judgments and non-thinking".
Then I thought: I'm thinking waaaaay too much.

My biggest fear is Leo, Tonya's dad.

Not fear of him, but fear of him being worried or hurt or upset. I love him as much as I did my own dad on many many levels.

He has taken care of me and Tonya and our family through good times and not so good times. He's always been there for us.

And to have people saying things to him of this nature is just so upsetting. Really, why the HELL would anyone even feel the NEED to say things to him of this nature?! Unless. Unless they knew it to be TRUE (and clearly it is NOT true because I solicit all of my sexual encounters PRIVATELY - just like Joseph Smith did...*starts to sing: follow the prophet, follow the prophet...*

Clearly if I solicited sex PUBLICLY I'd have to quit my day job as I'd be inundated with offers.

I wonder if my comments about Olivia Wilde, or the Naked Therapist put a senior member of Tonya's family who cannot construe humour or sarcasm, into a panic? Or was it a younger LDS mind?

I'm done caring though.

I found all the 'active LDS Thompsons' I could find on my FB and blocked them. Now they don't need to see my "solicitations" (heck, I'd like to see my solicitations, I mean really, was I charming? witty?) and hopefully Leo and Tonya don't have to deal with any more mormonic (moronic) drama.

Really people.

Really?

I wonder what my friend and therapist would say? (ok, I'd LIKE to be her friend... oh wait... did I just solicit sex, again?) Awesome.

UPDATED THOUGHT: Mature, reasonable adults think that I am PUBLICLY seeking sex on my FB account that my FOUR CHILDREN can also see. They actually think and believe this. And Tonya's extended family actually BELIEVE THIS (enough to call and talk and gossip and pass on to her the 'news' that this is being talked about and gossiped about). Ok, nnnnow I'm done caring.

http://youtu.be/xGnGvEWlW4A

2012-01-04T10:40:00.000-08:00

I really like this.

I need to remember to remember this.

I wonder though, just how often do people presently (or in the past) look at ME and think the last line?

Lessons here that I need to pay more attention to:
- stepping back, suspending judgement and looking for the good in the situation and within the person who is a 'challenge'
- stepping back, suspending judgment and looking for the good in the situation and in MYSELF
- to be more communicative, in a listening and respectful way
- to trust intuition (and to pay attention to it when I manage to notice it), maybe even to believe in it more than I presently do
- to be more self-loving, to dial down and stop the negative self-talk
- to know when to let go, and what, and or whom and how, in a loving way to myself and others
- to not take on the characteristics of others which are not of a higher level of light and love than I already have within me... 'positive change only if you please'

MY BUCKET LIST

2012-01-01T13:03:00.001-08:00

I will be revisiting this place and space often to make updates.

TRAVEL & ART
New York:
- horse and carriage tour
- Central Park
- EVERY Art Museum they have; including the National Museum of the American Indian.

France:
- beaches
- Louvre (2-3 weeks, however long it takes to see EVERYTHING THEY HAVE)

Take Tonya somewhere warm of her choosing... sandy powdery beach, hot sun, cool breezes and happy times.

READING

War and Peace.

The Tibetan Book of the Dead.

RUNNING

Run a marathon in Canada...
Run a marathon in the USA...
Run a marathon in... another country other than the USA...

COMPETING IN SPORTS

Compete in a triathlon (of any length or skill level)

CONTACT A CELEBRITY - IN A NON-CREEPY TRULY 'YOU ROCK / ARE AN INSPIRATION' KINDA WAY

Write Dreya Weber a fan letter and see if T and I can take her and her hubby to dinner sometime (be as non-creepy as possible... hmmm, I may have to hire someone else to be me)

FINANCES

Be debt free

Retire with $1M in liquid assets... by age 55.

Have a house with my own office space just for me

DEVELOP SKILLS AND PASSIONS

Take an art class

Take dancing lessons

Go dancing at a club and feel confident and not look like a dork

WRITING

Write books:
- Tonya's autobiography
- Anxiety and Depression

Write Screenplays:

Tonya's and my story
a love story... a married man and a married woman, living separate lives, who meet serendipitously (in an innocent situation and place) are shown to actually be star-crossed lovers (literally, the Universe revolves around and bends and undulates to the dance(s) of their relationship... show at the end how everyone's relationships are similarly intertwined on multi-levels). Show their various lives in parallel universes... married, single, together, apart, poor, rich, happy, depressed, homeless, mansion, many kids, no kids; have what they do in one universe affect the lives of either themselves or their partner in another Universe; ie. they date and see each other intensely in secret, in open, as each others partners, in all kinds of permutations... also they never date, and never see each other, but their effect on others still touches THEM i.e. they do a good deed for a child who grows up to do a good deed for someone else who does a good deed for one of their children who gets inspired to go to medical school and one day on vacation saves one of 'them' in a medical emergency ... scenes with funny happenings like they in some incarnations KNOW they are each others and they spy on each other during dates and you see people sitting at a table and they move to hold hands and one of the Lovers slowly raises their head above the table to eye-level and then lowers it... ... or you see one Lover in jail and the other as a Guard and they fight, and years later ... (sorry, you'll just have to watch the movie)... also to You Raise Me Up, many scenes of a man lifting up a woman (and of a woman lifting up a man) and of teens and of children doing the same, from many situations (homeless person lying on cardboard in winter, child at a school playground sitting off to themselves crying, funerals, also at celebrations (grads, weddings, dances, baby births)... How does it end? It doesn't (interesting to show on a movie that has of course, an 'end').

ABORIGINAL CULTURE EXPERIENCES

Participate in Aboriginal ceremonies, specifically a sweat lodge, but I am open to more.
Aboriginal Art -- go to galleries. Buy some. Watch some be painted. Talk to the artists. Dine with them. Get to truly know them and their spirits and the spirits they are connected to.

SPIRITUALITY

Learn to meditate
Do more yoga
Go hang gliding (it speaks to my soul when I picture myself so high and free)

SOCIAL ACTION

Create / participate in social action to reform Canada's fostering system(s)

OCEAN CONNECTION

Scuba dive in the ocean (no sharks please)
Snorkel in the ocean (no sharks please)

MOVIES & TV

Watch FireFly TV Series
Watch Serenity
Watch ALL of The Office (not with Tonya, she dislikes it, and that's ok).

2012 TO DO LIST

2012-01-01T12:30:00.002-08:00

1) Take dancing lessons by April 2012.

2) Go dancing and FEEL CONFIDENT about it by June 2012.

3) Write Tonya's "Off The Pew And Out Of The Closet" autobiographical story by June 2012. Also my book on overcoming Anxiety and Depression (just as soon as I'm not so anxious about writing it). =)

4) Business / mental health proposal into the top 10 Oil companies in Alberta by the end of January 2012.

5) Run a marathon by October 2012.

6) Compete in a triathlon by August 2012 (even if it's a mini one).

7) Learn dialectic behavioral therapy and become certified and experienced in it's delivery... start a group or work in an existing group to help people with Borderline Personality Disorders, by October 2012.

8) Fix up my house on the inside:

- every room: fix scratches and dents and paint.

- tear up old rugs and replace ('glue on tiles' from Homehardware? investigate)

- get NEW FURNITURE for living room

- get a new kitchen table

- redo kitchen countertops

- redo kitchen floor

- wall in around the furnace

- do ceilings around furnace area

9) Fix up my house on the outside:

- pave the driveway

- repair the cracked cement retaining wall

- trim back or remove the huge lilac bushes

- landscape the front yard

- paint the overhang around the roof

- replace the overhang around the roof of the garage and paint

- drywall the garage and tape it

- backyard... remove tree stumps, level, remove above ground pool, remove bushes

10) Sell house and move into newer home... to Lethbridge? nearer to Calgary? near Victoria? By Dec. 2012.

NEW YEAR'S / 2012 RESOLUTIONS

2012-01-01T12:30:00.000-08:00

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS FOR 2012

1) I will give to myself more and put myself first more often (even if sometimes it has to be done 'silently').

2) I will not give to others thinking that 'one-sided giving' = 'friendship, liking or love'. i.e. many people masquerading as 'friends' want my time for hours on end to unload and receive advice and counselling, or who are quite keen for me to visit with them, but when I ask them for any form of reciprocation of visits, or communication: I get zero in return. So, as of today, I will stop the fly-window-insanity.

3) I will relax more.

4) I will read more.

5) I will write daily.

6) I will be successful financially ($150,000+).

7) I will have happiness, success and FUN in all of my relationships (personal, family, friends, business).

8) I will stop telling myself stories and guessing what others are thinking and feeling; unless they are positive stories.

9) I will stop reacting to 'events' and only see them as 'events' and step back and be more Zen-like and not label events as bad or catastrophise; but rather I will hold to and focus on those events and stories I label as good.

10) I will learn more about psychology and mental health, therapy and counselling and become more expert in all areas that I possibly can.

IS THIS THE DOCTOR WHO THINKS HOMOSEXUALITY IS OK?

2011-12-29T00:46:00.000-08:00

Last week I received a few phone calls from a 801 number in Utah. 3 phone calls to be exact. Only 1 message was left: "let's talk". I at first thought it was an LDS member who was looking for help in dealing with transitioning out of that religion (I had done some advertising recently).

I finally connected to the caller.

The person on the phone said "Is this the doctor who thinks homosexuality is OK?!"

To which I gently replied: "No, I'm not a doctor".

Silence.

I immediately decided to not argue or debate and to just see where things went.

"Because the Bible says, if a man lieth with a man, or a woman a woman, it's an abomination..."

ME: "Yes it does say that".

BIGGER SILENCE.

"And... uhm... so... I don't hold anything against gays or people that leave the church..."

And we had a pleasant conversation.

And because their defenses were down I planted seeds of reality, doubt and cognitive dissonance. (I'm evil like that).

It was fascinating to me that this person felt so compelled to call me to defend the LDS position that being gay was 'evil and wrong'... and yet by their words and our conversation it was evident to me that they already had 1 foot out of the church. So, I nudged them. I felt happy and hopeful for them (that they were on the path 'out' of the church). And I didn't overtly disagree with a single thing they said. In fact, I took the argument out of their sails by simply agreeing with everything they said.

Another interesting thing that happened for me was when I agreed that the Bible was anti-gay, I realized that I don't believe the Bible. I then further realized that the LDS Church, Catholics and most religions do not believe the Bible either. They pick and choose what to believe. That is NOT belief. That's like being divorced from Madonna for 20 years and thinking you still can show up for family reunions because you found a copy of your marriage certificate... and you ignore the divorce reality. Religions ignore the slavery, women can't lead or speak in public, women who are raped should marry their rapists, shrimp eaters should die, etc. etc. The New Testament has many things that religions do not 'believe', just as they set aside many teachings (from God) in the Old Testament. Religion = we pick and choose and will program you accordingly.

The point, to me, was: I don't believe in the Bible or most of what's in it. But I DO believe in the message of LOVE and KINDNESS and FORGIVENESS that's in it and in the Universe / God / Higher Power. It was interesting to me to look at this book that 'ruled me' for so many years and realize I simply look at it as a propaganda tool in the hands of whichever religion is trying to sell their particular slant on God. It was like looking on an abuser and realizing they don't have any power over you anymore. It was freeing. And just like religions, I will take and pick and choose what I wish to 'have' from the Bible: all the teachings on unrestricted and unconditional love.

Yay me! Yay area 801 caller! Yay love!

DEAR UNIVERSE

2011-12-29T00:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Universe,

I don't really ask for much. But I hope you can feel, know and understand the depth of sincerity with which I am asking now.

Love, Me.

PS - If the answer isn't what I'm hoping for... send me the help I'll need... and readjust my hopes, and ... heart.

THE BRAVEST AND HARDEST THING

2011-12-13T15:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the bravest and hardest thing we have to do in life is to continue on in the story, with our eyes wide open, knowing full well how the story ends.

SOMETIMES ALL YOU NEED IS A 'WRESTLE'

2011-11-20T13:46:00.001-08:00

Sometimes all you really need for a mood-pick-me-up is a 20 minute knock-em-sock-em full-out wrestle on the king-sized bed with 10 year old Sierra.

Sometimes though, well, it'd be nice if she let me win...

GRATITUDE JOURNAL

2011-11-20T12:51:00.001-08:00

January 27, 2012

I am grateful for being able to help Sierra with her anxiety about her math test (it's ok to not do well in a test Sierra... totally... no fear... no pressure... it's ok to even fail, I failed most of grade 10 and turned out pretty ok).

I am grateful for being allowed to screw up and it not screwing things / everything up.

I am grateful for the elderly lady walking with her husband at Wal-Mart a few weeks ago, whom as I was approaching them, looked up and smiled at me and said "Oh look, so nice and tall and handsome!". Compliments from any one of any age really are grand. Made me grateful my mom always told me "stand up straight".

I am grateful for the hot lady who smiled at me and stared into my eyes the other day at Wal-Mart. Helped my self-esteem in the looks department. You'd think I'd have learned by now (but you'd think wrongly). Maybe I should talk to someone about that.

I am grateful for a job I love, cars that work, good health, friends who love and or care about me (of varying levels and degrees) , for Braiden talking to me more, for Sadie sharing with me more, for Kenzie for not firing me as her dad and for Sierra for leaning on me and all of my kids simply being: awesomely awesome!

I am grateful for and to Tag Goulet for being my friend, cheerleader and for believing in me. And for teaching me about Intentions and Affirmations. I'm going to start some today, in earnest; they will not be up for public consumption however they will be up for the Universe's notice.

I'm grateful for my never-ending supply of business ideas (maybe a few will take off... I mean... they WILL take off and be successful).

I'm grateful that I can make people laugh. Today I entertained 4 student nurses in my office for 1.5 hours, just chatting about my life and counselling stuff (they are learning about Mental Health as part of their practicum). They laughed at least 15 times and were engaged and listening. I wonder if I could do stand-up comedy; around the topics of mental health or my life and or both.

I am thankful that Tonya and I had that 'awkward talk' last night. Funny, the stories we tell ourselves and how they are often just that: stories (and spinning).

I am grateful for each moment and for sometimes actually being able to 'be' in the moment.

January 23, 2012
Lately I've felt particularly connected with Tonya, like I am being heard, accepted 'as is' and safe. I am truly grateful for this.

The other day I sat with Braiden and discussed his schooling and employment goals. He really listed to me and we really talked and shared and connected. I love him so much. And am so happy when we connect.

Recently I was in a small 'funk' and I read or heard something (I can't recall what), but I laughed and laughed and it immediately made things better and reset my thinking and my feeling. I am grateful for those times when I can find humour (or it finds me) to act as my therapy.

I'm full of business ideas and dreams and goals and I think they are viable. I'm hopeful. I'm grateful for hope.

I also have some excellent ideas for books and movies... who knows... maybe one day? Why not?

January 18, 2012
Today I saw a few dozen 5 year olds squirming and crawling in a gym class. They were laughing and giggling and just being so full of life and joy. I was so happy that almost cried (got teary). Children are my bliss. Their joy and laughter is a light to my soul. Soul food.

I'm thankful that Sadie talked to me the other day. REALLY talked to me. Shared with me. Insights into her life and her heart. Also shared what's going on with others in the family. And shared that she knows, really truly knows, Tonya and I, and still loves us. Yay!

I'm feeling hopeful about the future. And business ideas and prospects becoming a reality.

I'm thankful that Tonya wasn't hurt in the fender-bender she had this week and that it didn't cost us a lot of $.

I'm grateful for my son Braiden, that he is so kind, loving and caring. I hope he remembers to not become a rescuer and a Giver but to be more balanced and to give to himself too. I didn't learn this for my first 35 years of life; thankfully, from what I can see, he's a far quicker learner than I.

As I talk with clients who are depressed and despondent due to 'religion' and guilt or shame or family disowning them, or thinking ("knowing") that God has disowned them, I am thankful that I am out of the cult-like mentality of the LDS Church and organized religion.

Recently one of Tonya's family members said that "your lifestyle will affect your children". And I am so thankful for that. I am thankful that our children will grow up as free-thinkers and have the ability to think critically and to choose without having choices made for them and not be programmed by religion or anyone. I am thankful that my children will grow up never knowing the feeling of being superior to, or judging others, or of self-justification in believing in and participating in hatred and bigotry.

January 12, 2012
I am grateful for helping Sierra with her homework and seeing her learn 'arrays' and figure things out 99% on her own. Yay Sierra!

I am grateful for listening to Sadie yell and swear at Braiden last night and try to ensure he doesn't make relationship decisions which will possibly hurt him in the end.

I am thankful for Mackenzie who is so humble about all the great things that she is and yet who also knows and understands, in part, just how amazingly amazing she is.,

I am thankful for the beautiful and inspiring gentle rolling pink / violate sunrise this morning during my drive to work.

I am thankful to the clients yesterday whom I worried I wasn't reaching or helping... who without me expressing my fears, shared with me that they were grateful for all I did for them and how they looked forward to seeing me and that I was helping.

January 10, 2012
Today I am grateful for many things.

I am grateful for my amazingly amazing friend Tag Goulet and her kindness, wisdom and all she has done for me.

I am grateful for the journey.

I am grateful for life.

I am grateful for hugs, smiles and chocolate.

I am grateful for Tonya and 20 years.

I am grateful that I am alive to see Sierra turn 11; and to connect with all of my beautiful children.

I am grateful for clients whose lives I have touched and who have in turn touched and blessed mine; and in so doing have made me a better person so can be a better person to my wife, children, family, friends and everyone.

Grateful to have read about Ziggy the puppy dog to Sierra today.

Thankful that I didn't write, everything.

Grateful for ideas and thoughts about screenplays and business ideas.

Grateful for slowing down the spinning and reviewing (and being re-grounded in) my priorities and reminding myself of reality for long enough to step off the merry-go-round.

January 1, 2012.
Today I feel gratitude for my family. For Tonya who has stood by me through many things; things which others may not have stood by their husband's through. For Braiden, that he is kind and giving and maturing. For Sadie that she is so smart and sassy and intelligent and confident. For Mackenzie that she is so talented and kind to everyone. For Sierra that she is so funny and smart and hard working. For having a family that is healthy and mostly happy.

Today I feel gratitude for my friends. For those people who want to be with me and don't need me to give them anything. For those people who simply like or love me for me, without qualifications.

Today I feel gratitude for my life. That I'm still here. That I have all of my faculties. That I can speak, see, hear, touch, taste, walk, jog, run, bike, swim, fish, work, and live as full a live as I wish. I am grateful that my stroke did not affect me more than giving me slightly worse grammar, spelling and punctuation capabilities than I already had.

Today I feel grateful that I can write. I love to write. My happy place is when I am typing. When the thoughts in my head come pouring out of my fingers. When I can feel heard and understood, even for a moment, even if it's just by ME as I read the words I say. THAT is therapy. To feel understood, to be known, as is, warts and all and to still be found acceptable and even loved. I think that's why my writing and blogging is such good therapy for me, because it is me getting to know me, and learning to love me and to accept me 'as is', warts and all.

Today I am grateful for music. Yesterday Tonya and I attended Light It Up, a play in Lethbridge at Yates theatre. They had a live band and acting and singing and it was very well done. And when the music was going, I found myself unable to sit still. I swayed. I gyrated. I was IN the music. And I looked around the crowd of 3-400 others and just one other person was swaying and IN the music. I think if I ever learned to dance, that I would BE the music as I danced: I felt that way sitting there, tapping my feet, having my heart and soul move to the music as I swayed and was 'in' the lyrics, the melody, the rhythm. My soul vibrates musically. I am grateful for music.

Today I am grateful for art. Yesterday in the theatre as we were waiting we were able to walk around and look at art. Valerie Good Rider had several displays that were simply breathtaking. They were full of symbols, stories within stories. I was captivated. I didn't want to leave the side of her paintings. Sadly, I cannot find any pictures online. Perhaps I will ask around and see how I would go about obtaining pictures and or copies and or originals. Funny, me the art collector. I never would have thought this, but I have realized over the past year or so that I actually DO love art. It's just the fact that I cannot draw that I dislike. But I LOVE art. Music. Paintings. Sculptures. And I love artists. Their soul, their story, their energy. I wonder what road this will take me down.

Today I am grateful for today and all that I have and all that I have experienced and all that I will yet experience.

Dec. 28, 2011.
Today Sierra you made me laugh. You were so funny and witty. It was like my soul was lifted out of a well. I thought to myself "THIS is how my clients feel when I make them laugh". Thank you Sierra. Love, Daddy.

I think / know I need a place to store some gratitude, and to remind me about all of the things, people and experiences in my life which have blessed me, shaped me and helped me.

The picture of the dude with the hand on his chest? I often see my Aboriginal friends, at the end of a prayer, or after a powerful lesson or story has been presented, put their hands on their chest as in an expression of 'Amen' and or 'may it be so' and or 'I'm grateful'. So I like this imagery. To me it is a powerful symbol of gratitude, of respect, of love.

Having a place to reflect and 'put' my gratitude I think will be very therapeutic for me. Especially on those days where I am feeling sad, alone, selfish, hurt, like the world is out to get me and or ungrateful. Also on those days that I am feeling, well, grateful and have the presence of mind to reflect and share why I am so.

Taking time to reflect on all the good that 'is' and that 'was' and as a subconscious byproduct: 'that may yet be' can only help me in my positivity. Heck, I suggest to my clients that they do it, so why not me?

This place will be positive-ground. Holy positive ground. Nothing negative. Just positive. I will be visiting this place from time to time to both add to (rather sparse on 'details' at the moment), and to reflect upon, that which is here.

PEOPLE / RELATIONSHIPS I AM GRATEFUL FOR

Family. I am grateful for my family. For Tonya, Braiden, Sadie, Mackenzie and Sierra. I remember Tonya and I and our 'crazy' early dating life. And the chaos and the drama of her mom, and the Bishop and the church and the rescuing her, and the elopement and the hiding the fact that we were married and 'on and on'. We went through an awful lot for young people. And we're the better for it today.

Braiden. I still remember your birth and how stressful that was.Tonya struggling, for hours. The doctors and nurses increasingly worried. More and more doctors and specialists quietly slipping into the room with more and more equipment (I counted 11 people in the room, other than Tonya and I). And then you came out 'grey'. Lifeless. You had had the cord around your neck. Tonya looked at me and said "is he ok?" and I lied (what else can you say?) and said "yes, he's fine". I lied because I had no idea if he'd be fine or not but Tonya needed reassurance. And as they took you away Braiden, I bawled, inside, (while smiling at Tonya, telling her all was ok), praying that you'd breathe and that you'd be fine. And after a minute (seemed like a billion), you were fine.You breathed, you went pink, you cried. That was the happiest cry I've ever experienced. I am grateful for being your father. For rocking you at night as you'd scream yourself to sleep. I'd do 'squats' in the bathroom with the shower running as that would calm you. Holding your hand as you learned to walk. Playing and hanging out with you. Teaching you to ride your bike. Throwing a ball. Playing soccer out front at 5300 Vicary Place in Calgary. Coaching your soccer. Being with and around you. You are a truly amazing person and I am blessed to be your father. I am quite sad that you're talking about moving out soon. I feel like I have been a failure in so many ways to you. Fortunately we have this moment and years to come for me to be the best I know how to be to you. I love you Braiden.

Sadie. You are just so amazingly amazing. I have video of you when you are about 3 years old, with your back turned to me, playing by yourself, happily with toys and singing songs and telling stories. You were and are so cute and wonderful. I remember when you were about 3 years old telling about how we all "lived up in the sky in the big Castle with Jesus and we were a family". I remember thinking: 'oh my gosh this girl is connected to something Heavenly still'. Your talents for cooking (remember the green eggs and ham we made when you were about 12?) are still here. And you are miles ahead of most teens your age with your critical thinking skills and strength and attitude. These will serve you well for they are tempered and mixed with your kind and caring spirit. I remember helping you ride your bike and your fear that I would let go "don't let go of my Daddy!". I will never let go of you Sadie. Ever. I am blessed to have been, and to be, your Father. I love you.

Mackenzie. Just saying your name brings a smile to my face. You are so talented. I remember you doing your own hair when you were 6 or 7 years old. And I was like "who did your hair?!" and you said "I did!" And it was perfect. And since that day, it has remained so. You have the Wiber-gene of hairstyling apparently. I remember when you were born and you came out with fists clenched and screaming and ready to 'fight'. I remember when you learned to crawl one of the first things you did was to crawl over to another baby and proceed to punch it. I laugh as I write that because you grew into such a happy and kind and giving young woman. I appreciate that you still hug me and tell me you love me even at the old age of 13. It means more to me than I could ever say. You mean more to me than I could ever say. I am so grateful for your example and the light and love that you have brought into my life and into our family life. I am grateful that at the age of 13 you still hold your daddy's hand and hug him and are my friend. I love you.

Sierra. People often comment on how alike we are. And about how close we are. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that you are such a strong-willed young woman. I'm grateful that you are such a strong critical thinker who doesn't just accept what people say, or what you read or hear but that you think about it and reason and question. I'm grateful that you have a kind heart and love to listen and to help people. I'm grateful for our wrestling matches (even when you win). I'm grateful for being able to understand you and to help you with your worries and anxieties. Always remember that you are ok, 100% 'as is' and that it's NEVER as big a deal as you are telling yourself it is. I'm grateful that we cook together, especially the cheese-stuffed mushrooms for mommy. I'm grateful to be your friend and your father. I love you.

Friends. I'm grateful that I've had such good friends in my life. In my childhood and teen years: Dean S. Hibiki Y. Dayn L. Ben O. Owen H. and dozens of other close friends in LDSland and datingland and in my regular schooling life (Russel, George, Jamie). In my adult years I've had some close work friends (and clients) and many many good friends in LDSland. Angie and Blair R. Chawntelle and Ryan O. Kevin and Loraine K. Steve and Heather C. I am always grateful when I get a phone call or email or text from a friend; funny how it seems to always happen on days when I feel the most friendless. But yeah, without listing everyone, I have had and have some very good friends. For this I am grateful.

For the past 20 years I have had the closest of friends. She has given me 4 wonderful children, and survived my adhd-riddled personality and hair-brained schemes. Survived my angst and crankiness. Survived my periods of hyper-focus on the next 'get rich' business plan. Survived putting me through 3 University degrees. Survived me leaving the LDS church and tearing her heart in two. Survived me not dealing well with her bisexuality (initially). She has survived, well, ME. For this I am eternally grateful, for a friend who loves and accepts me 'as is, warts and all'.
Thank you Tonya.

THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR

Health. Two years ago this December 3 I had a stroke. A mini-TIA. Today I can run a half marathon. I can do P90X workouts. I feel healthier than I ever have at any other time in my life. I'm grateful for life itself. I'm grateful that the only lingering effects of my stroke are that my grammar, punctuation and ability to recall words is less proficient than it used to be. It could have been far worse. I'm grateful that I can RUN still. I am so free and happy when I do so. Running is my souls' way of flying.

Education. I'm grateful for my 3 University degrees. They have opened up many avenues and opportunities for me that I know I would not have otherwise. This is especially relevant in today's poor employment climate.

Mindfulness. I'm grateful that I've learned how to be 'mindful'. How to stay still and just 'be'. I visit here, a few times a week however I'd like to learn to live here in this space and place. To just 'stop' the thinking, worrying, hurt, everything, and just 'be'. I'm happiest and healthiest when I accept what is and just go with it (paradoxically I can only change things once I accept them as a current reality).

Critical Thinking. I would rather die than give up my right to my own brain. When I was LDS and a believer and 'programmed' I thought I was happy. I thought I knew things. I thought I had 'all truth rolled into one' and that I was 'smart'. I now know that with my LDS-filter that I dismissed so much truth, so much reality. The world is literally 'real' to me now whereas before it was all a fog (smoke and mirrors tend to distort your reality). The world (my world) is more full of life, wonder, mystery, knowledge, excitement, happiness, opportunity. Today I am able to look at things with a greater wonder and higher level of gratitude than ever. And I also know that I know nothing about anything. And THAT is wonderful because I have an entire lifetime to learn and relearn and to unlearn.

Employment. I love my job. I truly do. I sit down and talk to people all day long just as I would speak with a friend. I am just being 'me' and apparently 'me' is what people need to feel safe, liked, likeable and hopeful. I have always loved to sit and talk and get into the minds and hearts of others and to offer what little insight and or encouragement I am able. To help them develop a plan. To help them see things in a different light, to reframe.

Reading.
It is astounding to me how few people on earth can read. And sad at all that they are missing. I love to read. To explore. To learn. To delve deeply into things that massage my soul. To question deeply. To think deeply (and or try to). I love to read.

Writing.

I think that if I had unlimited time, I would write unlimited volumes. It's my therapy. It's my soul on paper. It's my sanity. It's my insanity, laid bare. It's my sounding board. It's me.

EVENTS I AM GRATEFUL FOR

Birth. I am grateful to my mom and dad for having me. I am grateful to God / The Universe / Nature and or whomever is responsible for my being there, that I am here.

Growing up years. All the fun I had with Brandon B. climbing the pear trees behind our houses in Burlington Ontario. The Big Wheels. The learning to ride my bike. The bee and wasp nests. The huge snow forts. The snowball fights. Spending time with my dad, and mom and sister. The vacations each year to the cottage at Balsam lake. The teenage years of 'chasing girls' and trying to figure myself out (still trying).

Marriage. Marrying Tonya. The crazy events leading up to our marriage. The crazy events we've had during our marriage. The good times. The friend times. The sad times. The boring times. The poor times. The rich times. The pulling together and supporting each other, loving each other and helping each other.

Child birth(s). For seeing each one and the miracle that they were (and the miracle that the children 'are' each day). For being there in that sacred space and place.

Dating. Oh my. I learned a lot from the people I dated. It helped me to form my understanding of women (I don't understand women). It helped me form my understanding of myself (men are pigs and I am a man, only slightly less piggish than most but really that's just my outer-shell, inside I'm 99% bacon). Fun dates to Canada's Wonderland, Phantom of the Opera and or Wicked. Boring dates of just walking in a park and making a pile of leaves and dropping my date in them and then realizing too late that it's not like the movies and they fell right through and banged their tail-bone (ok, not so boring after all). I had a ton of fun and was never bored (I'm never bored, ever). I hope to keep dating and learn and grow and have fun in life.

Supernatural. For the 'floating shoebox' in my room when I was 10. For the Shadow-Person I saw when I was 35 in the Red Cross building in Lethbridge. These events have given me something in common with 90% of the mental health clients I see who have also seen or heard things (I'm crazy, obviously). And or, it's caused me to be open to a world of possibilities that there is more to the Universe than meets the eye.

Spiritual. For helping to heal people 'miraculously'. For knowing things that I could not have known. For "glowing" and lighting up dark rooms. Seems the realm between what I consider spiritual and supernatural is not that far apart. LDS Mormon bias creeps in here I think. What IS spirituality to me, today (age 39)? It's an attitude of attunement to myself and being open to intuition and the Universe and of accepting 'what IS'.

Stroke. December 3, 2009 I had a 1.5 minute TIA mini-stroke. I am grateful to be alive today. And to have most of my faculties intact (spelling, grammar and punctuation are not quite what they used to be, neither is my memory or word-recall ability). However, I'm still a rather good writer and speaker and unless I tell people I had a stroke, they'd never know. I am grateful I can write, speak, hear, see. I am grateful for the stroke and that it has slowed me down and caused me to more automatically not get quite so upset at things I used to (I now am not in quite the same 'rush' I used to be and am 100% fine driving in the slow lane). I am glad I can smell the roses, and that I don't mind taking the time to do so (as much as I used to... still sometimes get impatient, but I'm improving -- I'm a work in progress).

KNOWLEDGE I AM GRATEFUL FOR

World history. I despised history and social from grades 7 and up. It was all memorization. I can't remember dates that Louis Riel did such and such, but I can remember his STORY. Too bad they didn't teach the principles and or stories or high-level stuff. Staring at words, hitting my eyes and bouncing off and never touching my brain... really? ADHD and poor memory and history do NOT mix. However I am grateful for the stories of world history I do know. And I am grateful to read the news each day to see how history is unfolding today in the world.

Religious knowledge. I am grateful for seeing how people can be 'programmed' by their parents, leaders, advisors, teachers, religious books and authority figures and or even cultures or society. I am grateful that today I can think freely (as freely as I know how) for myself.

My schooling - business. I didn't really learn anything in my BCOM that I didn't already know about marketing, HR, sales, etc., which I gained by work experience and or intuition. I did learn to think bigger though, world-wide in perspective. The best thing for me was a business professor who insisted we read the news... from another country not in North America. Gaining a global perspective was mind and soul enlarging.

My schooling - social work. I loved to learn from my peers and to see and understand their views on helping. Some were not helpful at all. Others were givers and healers. It was good to learn which side of the divide my soul is on, and to also understand the point of view of the bureaucrats (so I can know how to overcome their views and convince people who might not otherwise understand the need to help). To me social work is 4 words: Be Nice To People. I've always tried to do that (not always successfully, but enough that I think I am: nice).

My training - counselling and therapy. I am grateful for my training and workshops and the learnings from books (especially Gabor Mate who's books ALL are full of therapy wisdom). The learning I have gained fits nicely with my intuitive ability to get inside people's minds and hearts and to see how best to help. It is after all, ALL about love and helping.

ART / MUSIC I AM GRATEFUL FOR

Art - Ever since personality testing and me have met, I've put myself down as NOT liking "art". In the past few years it has been pointed out to me more and more frequently that I DO like art. I love sculptures. To touch them. To drink them in. To figure out how they were made and why they were made. What was in the mind and heart of the artist? What are they saying? What were they trying to say? And why? And my love of music. And lyrics. And beat. And synth and the feelings it all conveys. The stories. The heartache. The love. The pain. The happiness. I love music. I love to write song lyrics. I often only do this when I am emotional: in pain, or exceedingly happy. I'd love to know how to write music and songs and actually write a song like you'd hear on the radio, not just the words but the actual music too.

Music - Me and music have been close since I was 5 years old and played with my family record player. It looked like well, this:

I loved it. Absolutely loved it. The click of the record arm. The hiss of the speakers and the needle. Having to align the grooves just right . Hours and hours of fun. And pretending I was Elvis. And dancing, freely (and likely freakishly, but still freely and happily). Loved it. I grew up listening to my dad's records. I remember being 12 years old and a friend telling me about People Are People by Depeche Mode (1984) and I had no clue who they were. They looked at me like I was 'odd'. Today my kids aren't sure who Bryan Adams are and have no clue who Depeche Mode are (how sad, but not odd, just life). As a teenager I'd drown my broken heard with The Cure or The Smiths. Sadness begets sadness. I also discovered synth music. Erasure. New Order. Pet Shop Boys. Kon Kan. Camouflage. OMD. and on and on. And I was blessed to be able to DJ for a few years with Ben Olsen at the LDS Mormon church dances. I loved it. MY music, the music I loved and liked, played LOUDLY and it was making others dance, moving others. Loved. It.

My life would be, well, boring, without music. I use it to think. I use it to distract myself from thinking. I use it to feel, intensely. I use it to run to for motivation. I use it as an escape. I use it to relax. I use it. I need it. I breathe it. I sometimes feel I have so much of it inside me, that I am music. That I could write. Powerfully. Songs which would be so impactful. Maybe I can. Maybe I will. But today, I absolutely love music. Heavy metal though, that makes me ill. It harms my soul. It feels like my soul, my very essence, is being held over a huge cheese grater and I am be sliced away one chord at a time, one scream at a time. Rap isn't my friend either, but mainly because I see no point to it. Cannot relate. I do appreciate that others can and do though, it's just not for me.

TALENTS & ABILITIES THAT I HAVE

PEOPLE. I have a talent for people. For understanding them. For relating to them. For helping them to feel ok, acceptable and loved 'as is ' in their own skins. Kids. Adults. Seniors. Everyone. I know this is a talent I have and that it is rare.

Helping. I love to help. To give. To care. I live to give, and I give to live.

Healing. One of my greatest personal satisfactions is to heal and to help. A scrape, or a scraped mental image and or emotional damage. Helping to calm, to soothe, to heal, I love.

LAUGHTER. I can make people laugh. Most anyone. I can make a person belly-laugh who just hours earlier was attempting suicide after years of depression and or oppression. This ability, to make people laugh, to connect them to joy (even if fleeting), I believe, helps them stay grounded in 'this life' and to touch and or re-touch 'life' itself and lessen their desire to die and improves their hope for a better life and that things can get better. After all, they're LAUGHING, so how bad can things really be?

RUNNING. I am a runner. I am so much of a runner that I often say it's 'who I am'. My spirit soars when I run, really run, full out, steady, for a long long time. Could also be the drugs (endorphins) but let's go with 'spirit soars'.

WRITING. It is my soul on paper. It is my therapy. It is what I love. It is my passion. I can feel angst and frustration when I am kept from being able to write. It's like a magnet being held away from a fridge. It's like a flower being kept in shadow when the sun is just inches away. Me being prevented from writing is like preventing what should be.

MISC. THINGS I AM GRATEFUL FOR

Time with friends. Time with family. The smell of lemon or orange. The colour purple / violet. Poems (that I can follow and understand). Warm baths. Good books. Good friends. Clarity. Kindness. Love.

LAST EVENING

2011-11-20T11:35:00.001-08:00

I had a lovely evening last night with Sierra and Mackenzie and even some interaction with my elusive teens Braiden and Sadie.

Burger King and shopping with Sierra and Kenzie (then a late night watching Ultraviolet with them (could be renamed: ultraviolent) -- hey, I never said I was an appropriate dad).

A chat in the living room with Braiden about his life, car and 'women'.

Sadie, drivng her to and from her boyfriend's house and chatting about her life.

I love being a father and a dad and to connect to my children at whatever levels I can.

Simply love it.

THE FIRE OF THE BOOK OF MORMON

2011-11-20T10:23:00.001-08:00

Recently an old friend (well, he's not 'old' per se... funny the older I get the higher the # is to actually 'be' old... that number today is about 242 years of age) contacted me on Facebook. He chided me for my negative views on the LDS Mormon religion. Said he expected better of me.

It's fascinating to me how people can acknowledge that their religious founder married 14 year old girls (when they were 37) and instructed the 14 year old girl and her parents to lie about it to their wife (Emma) and changed the word of God 100's of times to suit their needs AFTER the so-called 'revelation' was given and can bold-faced lie and deceive... and also acknowledge that their religion is literally deadly for the LGBTQ community via the highest suicide rate among the LDS population and to women in general with the highest rates of depression of any US state (for the past 25+ years they've measured the stats)... but they expect ME to be some sort of saint. The irony is just too big (mostly this irks me because I used to think and speak just like them -- it's like watching a horror movie (remembering my ignorance and cult-like circular reasoning -- and seeing it come from my friends), and I'm in the movie and I want to scream: OMG get out of the movie and into real life!). I wonder how things would have been if I never was LDS. I suppose in an alternate universe or two, or 42, I'm living a much different life than today.

Anyway. My friend said "you may be right about Joseph Smith marrying other men's wives and 14 year old girls and all those other things, but you just have the smoke, you don't have the FIRE of the Book of Mormon. The BOM is true and there's no getting around that!".

I never responded to the BOM comment. I knew I couldn't. There is no way to reach past the plexi-glass 4 foot thick wall of bullet-proof "I can't hear you, na na na boo boo" - 'testimony'.

Well my friend. I suppose that's right. For you. There is no getting around that. You can't acknowledge what you don't see. Took me decades. I'd have my Baptist teenage friends point out flaws and errors in the BOM and I'd just reject them wholesale due to me 'knowing' it was true for God told me via powerful spiritual experience that it was true.

But what if there is incontrovertible evidence that the BOM is NOT "true"? Then what? Do we just then agree with the evidence and say "oops, my mistake, the LDS church is a lie and founded on falsehood and I need to leave now, thank goodness NOW I can see and my eyes and ears are opened". Nope. Took me a solid year to de-program myself.

I had to look at the BOM errors and anachronisms, and the teachings of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young and the lies, and the cover-ups and the 100's of changes of God-given "doctrine".

Until I saw the mental house of cards that LDS belief 'is', and realized it was all smoke and mirrors and was like holding water in your hands to try to hold onto solid unchanging 'doctrine' -- no errors or faults can exist. Funnier thing is, no 'doctrine' exists either. It can all change in a whim, depending on the press, society, the needs of the church. There is no LDS 'foundation', no 'pure doctrine', other than "obedience". And that my friend is rather cult-like.

Anyway, there are many websites out there that show the BOM to be not only fire-less but also that it's utterly impossible for anyone to say it's 'true' unless we redefine 'true' to mean: 'false and made up'. These sites do a much better and more exhaustive job than I could ever hope to.

My personal biggest ah-ha moments in regard to the BOM being 'false' are the Greek and Latin names and phrases which would so not be in an ancient Hebrew / Reformed Egyptian document. As well as the direct plagiarism from the King James Bible, including the known errors in the KJV which were had in the Smith Family Bible at the time. Lastly, the fact that the gold plates were not physically handled, touched nor seen by 11 of the 12 so-called witnesses (read An Insiders View to Mormon Origins).

I'd suggest these two websites as a start for your research (and yes, I know you won't read them even if you did stumble upon my blog, but in case one other person does and they can be helped, here you go).

Book of Mormon Problems

Utah Lighthouse Ministry

Friend, I do love you and care about you. I always have and I always will. It is sad when belief tears friendships apart. I know that's how it has to be though. If one day you woke up and decided that my children or Tonya were cult-like or 'lies' or 'bad' and proclaimed this, I couldn't be friends with you. And I know that to an LDS believer, the church is YOU. It's your DNA. It's not something you visit and half-heartedly believe (if you have a 'testimony'), it's something that you breathe and become. So if I put down the LDS church, it's like putting you down -- though I'm not, it's how you take it. I'd take it the same way. In fact, I used to.

I hope that you are happy and healthy, in or out of the LDS Church. Recently I met someone who was happy in it and acknowledged the good it has done for him and credits it for saving his life and giving him purpose and passion and meaning. I know that is possible, for some. Just not for me.

Love,

Me.

LIFE IS INTERESTING

2011-11-19T21:38:00.001-08:00

Sometimes life is just so uber interesting that I just can't seem to find the words. Lots of emotions. Lots of thinking and spinning. But no words. Well, no words for here (there are tons of words, actually).

Thank goodness for private journals (see? I'm learning: "don't put everything that pops into your head onto your Blog Matthew"). Now, if I can only figure out who's voice it is that's in my head, how they got there and are they enjoying their time whilst they are there (PS - while you're in there, please sweep up the place and clean up some filing will ya?).

I find online typing to be so much easier than paper writing / journalling. I think that was my problem with typing everything on my Blog - I can only 'journal' via typing and my blog was the only place I could freely type and organize my thoughts (I can't go back and re-write and edit a paper entry quite as easily). So Google Docs is my new friend and possibly my new addiction.

Let's see. What's new that's Blog-worthy...

I recently read this post (posted below as well) by a young and decades beyond her years Egyptian blogger (Aliaa Madga Elmahdy). Heck, I think she's decades beyond my years: in wisdom and honesty, courage and strength. What struck me most was her raw and naked honesty about life. Telling it like it is. Pure reality: unfiltered.

What also struck me was the fact that millions of people live passively and blindly. Well, not blindly as much as with blinders on; put there by their religions, society, parents, 'programming'. It also made me think about myself. My own blinders. My own passiveness. How pervasive is the status quo in my own life? And why? What do I believe? What am I willing to stand up for? Why or why not? When and when not?

It struck me that if the original LDS / Mormon version how society should be was allowed to spread across North America, we would have many similarities between how women and sexuality are seen in Egypt today. Add in polygyny and Blood Atonement and dozens of other teachings I won't go into and, well, yeah. Programming.

How does one go about de-programming millions of people? Both the oppressors (men who view women as cattle / property) and victims (women who also view themselves as cattle / property) and everyone who sees they are being 'good' and 'obedient' by believing and living said oppression?

I would suggest: one voice at a time. On person at a time. One heart at a time. One family at a time. One vote at a time. One Government at a time. One less seat at prayer / mass / church at a time. One life at a time.

Amen Aliaa. Amen. Thank you for your courage and example. For telling it like it is, and like it should be for all: freedom to live and to love and to be loved.

*******************************

Cairo, Egypt (CNN) -- Egyptian blogger Aliaa Magda Elmahdy has become a household name in the Middle East and sparked a global uproar after a friend posted a photo of her naked on Twitter. The photo, which the 20-year-old former student first posted on her blog, shows her naked apart from a pair of thigh-high stockings and some red patent leather shoes. It was later posted on Twitter with the hashtag #nudephotorevolutionary. The tweet was viewed over a million times, while Elmahdy's followers jumped from a few hundred to more than 14,000.

Her actions have received global media coverage and provoked outrage in Egypt, a conservative Muslim country where most women wear the veil. Many liberals fear that Elmahdy's actions will hurt their prospects in the parliamentary election next week.

I took the photo myself using a timer on my personal camera

Elmahdy describes herself as an atheist. She has been living for the past five months with her boyfriend, blogger Kareem Amer, who, in 2006 was sentenced to four years in a maximum security prison for criticizing Islam and defaming former president Hosni Mubarak.

Here she talks exclusively to CNN in Cairo about why she posed nude.

CNN: Why did you post a photo of yourself nude photo on Twitter, and why the red high heels and black stockings?

Elmahdy: After my photo was removed from Facebook, a male friend of mine asked me if he may post it on Twitter. I accepted because I am not shy of being a woman in a society where women are nothing but sex objects harassed on a daily basis by men who know nothing about sex or the importance of a woman.

The photo is an expression of my being and I see the human body as the best artistic representation of that. I took the photo myself using a timer on my personal camera. The powerful colors black and red inspire me.

CNN: Who is Aliaa Elmahdy inside the body portrayed in the nude photo?

Elmahdy: I like being different. I love life, art, photography and expressing my thoughts through writing more than anything. That is why I studied media and hope to take it further to the TV world too so I can expose the truth behind the lies we endure everyday in this world. I don't believe that we must have children only through marriage. It's all about love.

CNN: How have your Egyptian Muslim parents reacted? How do they feel about you living with your boyfriend unmarried?

Elmahdy: I last spoke to them 24 days back. They want to support me and get closer, especially after the photo was released, but they accuse Kareem of manipulating me. He has been my support system and has passed along their text messages to me. I dropped out of AUC (The American University in Cairo where she was a media student) months back after (my parents) attempted to control my life by threatening not to pay the fees.

CNN: The press has labeled you a revolutionary but you were not in Tahrir Square during the 18 days of the revolution in February this year. Is there a political element to you posing nude?

Most Egyptians are secretive about sex because they are brought up thinking sex is something bad and dirty
Aliaa Magda Elmahdy

Elmahdy: I was never into politics. I first joined the protests on May 27th because I felt the need to participate and decided I might be able to change the future of Egypt and refused to remain silent. I made it clear that I was not part of April 6th Movement (an Egyptian political group that came to prominence during the revolution) after the rumors were spread by remnants of Mubarak's National Democratic Party who wanted to capitalize on the reaction to the photo.

What shocked me is April 6th's statement clarifying that Aliaa Magda Elmahdy is not part of their organization and how they don't accept "atheism." Where is the democracy and liberalism they preach to the world? They only feed what the public wants to hear for their political ambitions.

CNN: What do you think about the forced virginity tests performed by the Egyptian military on more than a dozen girls arrested in Tahrir Square?

Elmahdy: I consider this rape. Those men in the military who conducted these tests should be punished for allowing this to happen without the consent of the girls in the first place. Instead, the girls walk around feeling the shame and most of them are forced to remain silent.

CNN: Do you practice safe sex in your sexual revolution?

Elmahdy: Most Egyptians are secretive about sex because they are brought up thinking sex is something bad and dirty and there is no mention of it in schools. Sex to the majority is simply a man using a woman with no communication between them and children are just part of an equation. To me, sex is an expression of respect, a passion for love that culminates into sex to please both sides.

I do practice safe sex but I don't take pills because I am against abortion. I enjoyed losing my virginity at the age of 18 with a man I loved who was 40 years older than me. Kareem Amer is the second man and the love of my life. The saying suits us: "Birds of the same feather flock together"

Many women wear the veil just to escape the harassment and be able to walk the streets

CNN: How do you see women in the "New Egypt" and will you leave the country if the ongoing revolution fails?

Elmahdy: I am not positive at all unless a social revolution erupts. Women under Islam will always be objects to use at home. The (sexism) against women in Egypt is unreal, but I am not going anywhere and will battle it 'til the end. Many women wear the veil just to escape the harassment and be able to walk the streets. I hate how society labels gays and lesbians as abnormal people. Different is not abnormal!

CNN: What are your future plans with Kareem and will you find it hard to deal with your new notoriety?

Elmahdy: I have discovered who my real friends are, and I have Kareem who loves me passionately. He works as a media monitor and I am currently looking for a job. I embrace the simple things in life and I am a vegetarian ... I am a believer of every word I say and I am willing to live in danger under the many threats I receive in order to obtain the real freedom all Egyptian are fighting and dying for daily.

DISC PROFILE -- HIGH D (DRIVE)

2011-10-30T13:51:00.000-07:00

OK. THIS is the last post for a long long time on personality profiles, promise.

Everytime I take the DISC personality profile test I come out as a high D. Because of the high 'drive' involved in this particular personality, I am told (and also believe) being a D is seen as a valuable sales and management personality to have.

I have been on sales teams where I am the only D; and perhaps not coincidentally often I was the only one not afraid to pick up the phone and connect to people. I also was by far the one coming up with the most ideas of how to improve results (not always effective, but often they were). Often management did not appreciate my ideas or the adamant way in which I presented them.

I was often told to stay in my role "circle of concern, circle of control"; to stay in the box, my box. I would always counter with the fact that I was getting results, that my ideas would get more and better results and that the whole team and organization would benefit (and or had benefited). Anyway, blah blah, I was and am good at sales; but staying in my box and just doing as I'm told, well, not so good.

Rather than spend time dissecting each item below, let me just say that I believe I am 95% like the D Personality described below; though my greatest fears, I think, are to be friendless or to hurt people, not to be taken advantage of (which is something that happens far too often still).

D = Drive

General Characteristics Determinedby DISC Personality Assessment:

Direct. Decisive. High Ego Strength. Problem Solver. Risk Taker. Self Starter

Value to Team:

Bottom-line organizer. Places value on time. Challenges the status quo. Innovative

Possible Weaknesses:

Oversteps authority. Argumentative attitude. Dislikes routine. Attempts too much at once.

Greatest Fear:

Being taken advantage of.

Motivated By:

New challenges. Power and authority to take risks and make decisions. Freedom from routine and mundane tasks. Changing environments in which to work and play.

Ideal Environment:

Innovative focus on future. Non-routine challenging tasks and activities. Projects that produce tangible results. Freedom from controls, supervision, and details. Personal evaluation based on results, not methods.

Remember High D Personalities MayWant:

Authority, varied activities, prestige, freedom, assignments promoting growth, "bottom line" approach, and opportunity for advancement.

DO:

Be brief, direct, and to the point. Ask "what" not "how" questions. Focus on business; remember they desire results. Suggest ways for him/her to achieve results, be in charge, and solve problems. Highlight logical benefits of featured ideas and approaches.

DON'T:

Ramble. Repeat yourself. Focus on problems. Be too sociable. Make generalizations. Make statements without support.

While analyzing information, aHigh D may:

Ignore potential risks. Not weigh the pros and cons. Not consider others' opinions. Offer innovative and progressive systems and ideas.

D's possess these positivecharacteristics in teams:

Autocratic managers - great in crisis. Self-reliant. Innovative in getting results. Maintain focus on goals. Specific and direct. Overcome obstacles. Provide direction and leadership. Push group toward decisions. Willing to speak out. Generally optimistic. Welcome challenges without fear. Accept risks. See the big picture. Can handle multiple projects. Function well with heavy work loads.

Personal Growth Areas for DBehavioral Styles:

Strive to be an "active" listener. Be attentive to other team members' ideas until everyone reaches a consensus. Be less controlling and domineering. Develop a greater appreciation for the opinions, feelings, and desires of others. Put more energy into personal relationships. Show your support for other team members. Take time to explain the "whys" of your statements and proposals. Be friendlier and more approachable.

THE GYMNAST

2011-10-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago Tonya and I were in our bedroom watching The Gymnast with Dreya Webber. It's an amazing movie about a married (unhappily so) woman who falls in love with another woman. I love Dreya Webber (as an actress, *clears throat and tries to look believable that he only respects her as an actress and not for the 'acting' she's done in a dream or two of his*). She's also in the P90X videos. Athletic, beautiful, witty, pansexual. Awesome. Ok, enough gushing.

Sierra came in to watch the movie with us for bit. At some points there was girl-girl kissing. And I panicked and covered Sierra's eyes as if it was EVIL and BAD.

I didn't even think. I just did it. Like a per-programmed automatic habit, which it was.

Interesting how a lifetime of programming (in my case by parents and religion) can affect you even when you see yourself as pro-LGBTQ and 'liberal'. We'd watch House and I'd not panic when Thirteen (Olivia Wilde) would kiss another girl in front of my kids, including Sierra when we all watched House in the living room (though in retrospect maybe I did have a bit of anxiety, that was 3+ years ago now I think, hard to recall exactly); but with little Sierra next to me it was like I had to hide her from the girl-girl kiss. Right while her bisexual mother, who is quite into women, lay next to me and to her. How incongruent of me.

Gay marriage, lesbian marriage, homosexual marriage, bisexual marriage (which I suppose I am in, at least in part), transsexual marriage, or relationships, or dating, or sex, or kissing, or handholding is A-OK. It's relationship. It's love. It's lust. It's fun. It's commitment. It's playing the field. It's whatever it is and it's A-OK.

It was almost as if I thought she was too young to see it, or it was bad or dirty or something to hide her from; really I just know I felt 'anxiety' and a need to 'protect her' (religion, I think it was mostly religious programming at work; though also now that I think about it, Sierra has had some 'questions' about Tonya and her bisexuality of late and has had some anxiety herself around that so maybe I was acting to try to lesson her anxiety as well). But really, she sees guys and girls kiss everywhere in society. And she knows about homosexuality and bisexuality and most kinds of sexuality. So what's with ME? Lingering programming I think is all, plus maybe trying to avoid her having anxiety (which of course, by my actions, I likely only heightened by making it seem like something to 'close your eyes at'). Interesting.

So dear Miller Kids (and especially you Miss Sierra), please know that your father, and mother, believe that sexuality in all of it's many forms is beautiful, normal and acceptable -- despite what the world (some religions, some of society and those who are homophobic) may tell you.

Amen and Awoman.

ENFJ AND I

2011-10-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I took an online personality test http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.aspto see what it would say. It says I’m ENFJ. I ran the test a few times withminor modifications on items I vacillated on. It said I was ENFJ every time. I'm frankly getting quite 'filled up' with all of this personality stuff. What do I think I am? Some days... Awesome. Amazing. Dysfunctional. Imperfect. A good guy (mostly). Kind (usualy). Caring (almost always). A giver. A helper. A healer. Sometimes selfish. Often selfless. I'm just me.

"The Giver"

As an ENFJ, you're primary mode of living is focused externally,where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how theyfit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where youtake things in primarily via your intuition.

Again that word intuition. Isuppose I am intuitive. Up until now I’ve thought of intuition of ‘the Universetells me’. But if I take it to mean ‘based on what I hear, observe and haveexperienced in the past and am now applying to what I am ‘guessing’ is the best‘best guess and or best fit’ to the present situation (what you are saying, ormeaning or what is going on inside you), then yes, I am highly intuitive. To meit’s like looking at a puzzle that’s missing a few pieces, after a while I cantell what those missing pieces most likely 'are' (mostly because the person I’mtalking to has told me, subconsciously in their speech, their stance, theirtone, body language or theme of what they are saying). Intuitive = Bestguessing based on as much evidence and on the fly almost automatic linkages(puzzle pieces being put together) as possible, sure, I’ll buy that.

ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world ofpeople possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent peopleskills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent forbringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love,support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding,supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and gettheir best personal satisfaction from this.

People focused. I’m not moneyfocused (I miss it when it’s in short supply, but I miss people and connectingto people and feeling known and understood and accepted ‘as is’ the most). If Ilost money or people (loves, friendships, family, connections); people would beby far the most tragic of losses.

People skills. Some say so. Somesay I am skilled at ticking people off. Though, to be fair, those people arerare and I just sometimes fixate on them and add them to my dark and unkindinner voice that sometimes arises. I have had far more people thank me for mykindness, advice and help given than those who have been hurt by me and my unkindor unthinking personality quirks.

Love and support. That’s what Isee my role as a counsellor as being. The textbooks call it “unconditionalpositive regard” but really, it’s love. It’s making you feel and know that youare accepted and acceptable ‘as is, warts and all’ (and that your warts areactually not warts at all but are simply things you wish to change or that havenot been working so well for you up until now).

Supportive and encouraging. ThatI am.

Helping people and gettingsatisfaction from it. Early in my career I was in sales and worked for largecomputer distribution company. A phone job. I was amazing at it. I have toforce myself to say that (I always struggle with tooting my horn), but really Iwas amazing. I was tasked with calling up dissatisfied customers. Customers whoused to do 100’s of thousands or even millions of dollars with the Distributorbut who for whatever reason had ceased doing business (most often it was due toinconsistency of sales people (i.e. high turnover), rude sales people or rude managersor lack of supply or lack of credit tersm). I would call up these oftenhostile, angry or jaded past clients and make friends with them. And listen totheir concerns. And agree with them. And listen. And get to know them as peopleand not faceless ‘accounts’. And more often than not, I’d win some business,and grow it. That doesn’t really fit here I don’t think but it came to mind.Hmmmm. Maybe it was my own satisfaction from this job that made me think itapplied? And of helping clients and my employer? I also loooove to help people find work.Critique their resumes, help them in their searches, help them in their coverletters. At one computer Distributor I worked for I helped several of my teammembers with their cover letters and coached them on their pending interviewsfor ‘promotions’ within the organization. Some of these people could barelyspell let alone understand what their audience was hoping to see. They alwaysgot the promotion. I never did. Ever. I applied at least five times within ayear. I was quite resentful about that (helping people successfully getinterviews and the jobs they interviewed for, by writing amazing cover lettersand helping to coach them, people who had almost no idea how to speakintelligently let alone present themselves… and I wouldn’t even get aninterview). Feedback I heard once was that I #1 Was too valuable to promote asI did such a great job doing what I was doing and #2 I applied to too manypositions and it seemed like I didn’t know what I wanted (which is not true, Ihad a young family and I know what I wanted: MORE MONEY). In retrospect, thevast majority of the people I helped were beautiful young women and the vastmajority of the people doing the interviewing were young men. So, well, yeah.There ya go. =) TODAY I get greatsatisfaction from helping people. Tonya, my kids, my coworkers, my friends,family. I’m a ‘yes person’. I have trouble saying no (to almost anything). ButI’m trying. Boundaries. Self-care. Realism. I’m becoming better at putting mefirst. Much. Still a way to go, but I am finally learning, seeing and understandingthat I can still be a kind and loving ‘giver’ while putting me first; in fact,in order to keep being able to ‘give’, I need to be putting me first.

Because ENFJ's people skills are so extraordinary, they have theability to make people do exactly what they want them to do. They get underpeople's skins and get the reactions that they are seeking. ENFJ's motives areusually unselfish, but ENFJs who have developed less than ideally have beenknown to use their power over people to manipulate them.

Uhm. No. I can manipulate peoplesometimes, to a small degree. I usually have the best of intentions though andother than schmoozing and trying to ‘make’ people like me, I don’t believe ‘makingpeople do exactly what I want them to do’ is one of my super powers. If it was,Olivia Wilde would have hired me as her personal ‘assistant’ ages ago.

Under people’s skins. Well, howabout inside their heads and hearts. That I can do.

ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially importantfor them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, becausethey have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts whenalone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives withactivities involving other people. ENFJs tend to define their life's directionand priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of theirown needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to placeother people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their ownneeds so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

I do need time alone. When Ihave a day without kids, Tonya, friends, work, a ‘to do list’ or pressure ofany kind, it’s like a ‘recharge’ for me to just do what I want, on my own timewithout having to answer to anyone. It’s freeing. It’s air to my soul. Now,after more than one day, that gets lonely.

Hard on myself. Sometimes, inretrospect, my inner voice would likely get me arrested for verbal assault. Iam far harder on myself than anyone I know. I don’t know about dark thoughts. I’vebeen depressed and sad before, as a teen and adult, mainly due to friendsleaving or my feeling alone. But those have been relatively brief periods Ithink.

Other people’s needs directingmy direction and priorities. Guilty as charged. My own needs? Uhm. To make youhappy? I say this fulfills me and makes ME happy. And it does. But whereexactly am I in the mix? Where am I mattering to to others other than as aprovider, caregiver, friend, helper, giver? Where and how am I mattering to ME?I think I’m growing into that, into putting my needs in the mix. Not ‘first’ allthe time but often enough that I’m not last all the time either.

ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves thanother extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they'relikely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere withbringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in beinga catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others ontheir own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

Exposing myself. Well, otherthan that one ‘video’ that the Adult Video world wants to buy from me, notreally. Ok, here yes. And to close friends yes. But it’s not easy. Just ask meto talk about my ‘feelings’ and watch me turn the conversation on to YOU or metalk about events and happenings surrounding the topic, anything and everythingso that I don’t matter, so that the spot light isn’t on me. I was rarelyallowed to feel, to matter, while growing up and this reluctance to acknowledgemyself as ‘mattering’, remains something I struggle with. The good news is, Iam struggling with it, working against it, and practicing putting my feelings outthere.

The challenge though is knowing who is ‘safe’ to share with, I needsafety. We all need safety. We’re not going to reveal our real and true selvesto people who will mock us or tell us they don’t want to know about the real usor who show by their actions or inactions that they don’t really care about our‘heart feelings’.

I consider myself shy. Someconsider me to be bold and outgoing. It all depends on my mood and thesituation. I remember as a child and we’d have visitors over and I’d runupstairs and hide in my bedroom, with almost terror, huge anxiety, and I’dlisten in the vents for them to talk and wait for them to leave.

Chameleon. I was once given apersonality test, I can’t recall what it was called. The presenter said of the1000’s of test results she’d personally seen, only a handful came out as ‘Chameleon’.I was one of them. If I recall right, it referred to the ability to adapt tothe personality of the person I was engaging with. Which I suppose speaks to ‘intuition’(paying attention).

Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJshave definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly andsuccinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not toopersonal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused onbeing responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between astrongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likelyto value the other person's needs.

I am quite opinionated. Over theyears I’ve learned that other people too actually have opinions, different thanmine, even just as valid (nahhh). When I was LDS / Mormon other people’sopinions did not matter, not at all. I had God on my side and the Prophets. Iknew that you were simply spiritually stunted and ignorant of ‘reality’ due toyou not having ‘the truth’. What a way to view the world and people. Sad. Oneof my favourite Aboriginal teachings that I truly love is that if you have 20 peoplesitting around watching a sacred fire and they describe what they see, andthere are 20 different descriptions, all 20 are true. ‘Truth is that which youbelieve to be true’. I am able now, selectively, to change my opinion onthings. Years ago I would rant and rave and kick and scream (not literally,well, not the kicking and screaming anyway) to defend my position and put mywall of cognitive dissonance to any ‘new truth’. Today I’m hungry for newtruth, new learning, new insights. I often lament that I don’t have enough timeleft in my life to attend all of the courses, to get all of the degrees, toread all of the books, to have all of the learning that I want and that I KNOWI need: today I know that I know next to nothing about almost everything.

Other people’s needs before myown. Often. However, I’m getting better at this. Recently I worked with aclient who had no $. Like, nothing. For the next several weeks they had no $. I had $100 in my wallet and a paycheque coming the next day. My innerdialogue (self justification for crossing boundaries) was “Well, if they werehomeless I’d just give them $20, and they're nearly homeless and clearlydestitute and have no $ and I have lots of $”. And I stopped myself. I wantedto give, and I didn’t. And it felt good. And it felt horrible at the same time.Now, they had food, access to food, weren't about to lose their home and assured methey'd be ok. So this helped. If they had no food though, well, I rather think it wouldhave turned out differently.

The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people.This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not revealtheir true selves.

“I can feel alone in a room fullof family and friends who love me”. I’ve said this before. I attribute it to myADHD. I find most people with ADHD feel alone, aloof, disconnected. It took meyears after I was married before I saw myself as ‘married’. Gabor Mate discusses this somewhat in depthin his book Scattered Minds (which book I highly recommend to anyone with achild who has ADHD or who is an adult or lives with an adult with ADHD).

My true self? I used to thinkthat was someone from whom people would recoil in horror. Hide behind themasks. “Make people laugh and they’ll like you. Figure them out quickly and getTHEM talking about THEMSELVES before they figure you out and get you talkingabout you” (inner voice). I still think that sometimes. Certainly I don’t’ seemyself always as loveable and acceptable ‘as is’. There are things I do andhave done that I am ashamed of. And yes, I would tell anyone I was counsellingthat we ALL have things we’ve done that we are ashamed of or embarrassed about.And I am learning to be kinder to me, and to look at myself through eyes ofcompassionate curiosity, and am doing much better than ever in this regard.

People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understandand love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest. UsuallyENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to domany different things. They are generally bright, full of potential, energeticand fast-paced. They are usually good at anything which captures their interest.

Fun? I don’t know about that.Funny. Funny looking. I’m happy just to sit and talk or walk or exercise or getinto your head and heart and mind and soul. I do love make people laugh. I don’tknow. “Fun”. I wish I could dance. I think that would be fun. And I know otherslove to dance, so that would be like ‘fun squared’. Taking lessons and learningto dance is on my to do list. Anyone want to go with me? Tonya? Olivia? Anyone?Bueller?

Straightforward and honest. If Isee it, I have to say it. Too straightforward maybe sometimes. Lately I’velearned not to say every single thing that enters my head. Or to ask people somany personal questions that they feel interrogated or ‘counselled’ or as mydaughter Sadie says “shrinked”.

Confident. In many things, yes.Talented and full of ability and potential. Yes.

ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hardat maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity. They have a tendency to befussy, especially with their home environments.

Organization. Yes. It drives mebatty if I can’t walk into a clean room. I need things ‘tidy’. I love it whenwe de-clutter.

Structure. “Planned spontaneity”is what I like. Just hopping in a car and driving to Calgary and hoping a friend is available orfiguring out what to do when we get there… not going to happen. I like thingsto run smoothly, and to me that involves some level of planning.

Fussy? How about we just say “Mr.Cranky Pants” shall we? Sometimes I am.

In the work place, ENFJs do well in positions where they dealwith people. They are naturals for the social committee. Their uncanny abilityto understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happymakes them naturals for counseling. They enjoy being the center of attention,and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such asteaching.

Jobs in dealing with people.Yes. My time at the Red Cross was most frustrating when I was just doingpaperwork. The best times were when I was meeting with committees or going totraining or when coworkers would come in for ‘talks’. Just me on my own, I doneed that for a while, but after a while I need connection.

A natural counsellor. That’swhat I am. I rather think I always have been.

ENFJs do not like dealing with impersonal reasoning. They don'tunderstand or appreciate its merit, and will be unhappy in situations wherethey're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a humanelement. Living in the world of people possibilities, they enjoy their plansmore than their achievements. They get excited about possibilities for thefuture, but may become easily bored and restless with the present.

When I look at formulas writtenon a chalk board or in a textbook, it is like an alien language. My brain shutsdown and it just doesn’t work for me. It’s like trying to have a conversation withyour cat about finances. I need the human element.

Whenever I would win awards forsales, or receive scholarships or get compliments for ‘whatever’, I’d findreally hard to accept that I did something good. It’s like I felt maybe a fewminutes of ‘yay me’ but never a YAY ME I ROCK! I would quickly move on to what’snext that needs to be done.

ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happypeople when they can use that gift to help others. They get their bestsatisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and theirexceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even themost reserved individuals.

I am happiest when I am helpingothers to be happy. This is true.

Drawing out reservedindividuals. I have had many teenagers in my office whose parents have told methat they would NOT talk to me and that they had not talked to their doctors,school counsellors or hospital staff or psychologists. And then I meet them.And they share with me things that they’ve never told another soul. They tellme they feel safe with me. Not judged and accepted. Some who can see auras tellme that I have light inside me that they can see and that they know I am a ‘goodguy’ and that they are safe with me. I think that is just about the biggestcompliment, accomplishment or ‘award’ I’ve ever received or ever could (to helppeople feel safe and accepted ‘as is’ and to help them connect to me, theoutside world and by extension, to themselves).

An ENFJ who has not foundtheir place in the world is likely to be extremely sensitive to criticism, andto have the tendency to worry excessively and feel guilty.

I am sensitive to criticism, yes.It hurts me to be ‘wrong’; not like a broken arm kind of pain but a humiliationkind of embarrassment. It hurts me to realize that I’ve hurt others; that’skind of like a heart-pain of sorts, a soul pain, something that goes againstwho I ‘am’ (or who I try to be at least). The past few years I have opened upto criticism and advice (even being given advice from others I would take as ‘criticism’of ME, ‘as is, I was found to be defective’ was my inner voice). Today I find Iam seeking out new learning and knowledge, new ways of doing. At work we have ‘supervision’where we review cases and what we’ve done. This is AMAZING practice for me toleave my ego at the door and to be real and to want to learn better techniques,understand new resources and to learn new ideas of how to approach the clientand or the issues. I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process as well.

In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative anddiverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other peopletick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with agenuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. Asgiving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their ownneeds as well as the needs of others.

Awe, shucks.

ENFJ’s apparently also make excellentteachers because they know how to reach into the hearts and minds of those theyare teaching. I’ve always wanted to be a teacher. In many ways, even though Idon’t do it formally in a classroom setting, I get to do it with my friends,those I counsel and family. I also love putting on workshops and presentations.Love it. Therapy and counselling, I believe,is one of the greatest ways to teach: you are teaching people to love andaccept themselves and to understand how to make changes in their lives whichwill benefit them and enrich their lives. I love that.

Anyway, of all of the MyersBriggs possible combinations, so far, based on what I’ve read, my intuition tellsme that I’m more ENFJ than anything. See what I did there? (Based on what Iread, researched, reasoned and thought about… my ‘intuition’ tells me… oh nevermind).

ENFPically Speaking...

2011-10-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally,where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode isinternal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, orhow they fit in with your personal value system.

I’m not sure about this. I usemy ‘intuition’ when I’m reading people, when I’m trying to figure out howpeople feel about me, or others, or their current situations. I use it when I’mconnecting to people. I use it based on what I feel and see and hear comingfrom others and put it all together and then tell myself a story of what’shappening behind the curtain, inside the mind and psyche of the other person.Yes, I also deal with things according to how I feel about them, but often Ideal with them according to how I ‘think’ about them, logically. A mix of logicand intuition. In ‘guessing’ about people’s feelings, thoughts and stories, I’dsay I’m 75% logic, 25% intuition; I use a lot of my listening super powers tosort out fact from fiction and to put myself in the other persons shoes andthat’s not very intuitive, and yet, it is as it’s still guesswork ‘bestguesswork’ but still guessing based on projection. I never make large orimpactful decisions based solely on intuition. In dealing with what needs to bedone in life, creating a business, doing a project, dealing with unpleasantthings (or people) or positive things (or people), I think I’m still morelogical vs. intuitive. At least, that’s what my intuition is telling me. Infact, I think a lot of ‘intuition’ is logic at work but sometimes people don’tnotice all of the ‘thinking’ that’s gone into their ‘feeling’, often becauseit’s done subconsciously.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright andfull of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become verypassionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability toinspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talktheir way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift,and strive to make the most out of it.

I’ve been described as warm andcaring and positive, even ‘bright’ once or twice (back in my churchy-daze Ieven lit up a room or two like a lightbulb, apparently; which of course isironic as some days I don’t feel like the of brightest bulbs, ha ha HA, ok,moving on). I am always in a world of what IS possible, I rarely visit theworld of what is not possible, I don’t even know where the door is. I havealways been told I think outside the box. I realized after a while that Ididn’t even know there was a box or that I was supposed to be in it. Whenever Istart a new job I will politely listen to what I’m supposed to do, and I willpay great attention to ensure I understand. And I will at the same time bethinking of ways to do it differently (i.e. in a way that I prefer or works forme) and or of smarter, easier and more efficient ways to do it. Enthusiasm. Isuppose I have some of that, not always, sometimes I do feel tired and lazy.Sometimes. Inspiring and motivating. I suppose I must have some of that toosince the severely depressed and suicidal people I talk to always smile andlaugh and feel hope after talking with me. I want to here say that anyone whois severely depressed and suicidal and who talks to a kind and caring andcompassionate person and feels heard and listened to and understood and notjudged and loved ‘as is’ will smile and is capable of laughing and of feelinghope. And then I realize that some will say “yes, but not many people can dothat for others, you are talented in this way”. And part of me wants to sayback “not so, anyone can do what I do, I am not special at all actually”.Talking my way in and out of anything? Not quite. I’m told I’m a very goodcommunicator. I also know I tick some people off by being ‘bossy’ and ‘direct’and by saying what I think and by proclaiming the ‘gap’ between what is rightand wrong, between abuse and kindness, between professional and human(e). I do love life, and my life, and yours, andall Life. I try to make the most out of it. I try to be happy and to have funand to make the lives of others happier and more fun and enjoyable. I try.Sometimes I ‘do’.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. Theyare good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may gothrough several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFPmay seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quiteconsistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live withthroughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with theirvalues. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their trueSelf, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning ineverything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values toachieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losingtouch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important partof the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping"centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highlyevolved values.

I do have many skills andtalents. Computers. Writing. Public speaking. Counselling. Listening. Caring. Running.Encouraging people. Cheerleader for people’s hopes and dreams. And according toEccentrica Galumbits I’m "the best Bangsince the Big One". I can often take hours of conversation with people and seeright to the heart of the matter (I can see ‘into’ people, into their souls,quite often I can see their pain right on their face and I could name it, but Idon’t… I do name it in counselling and therapy with my clients though for Ithink they need to hear it, to address it, to put it on the table (for thatwhich is acknowledged can then be changed), but when with my friends or familyI just look at them and smile and love them the best I know how based on what Ithink is going on with and within them).

Project oriented. Yes and no.Starting projects, yes. Planningprojects, oh my yes. Finishing projects though, not so much.

Directionless and withoutpurpose: I don’t think so. I’ve felt that way yes, but rarely in my life,certainly not for years now.

Living in line with my values. Isuppose I do. There is a difference between my stated values and my innervalues though, and so this may look like a discrepancy but I think I’m justlike everyone else: what we DO says more about us than what we ‘say’ and is areflection of our core values. Values, wants and desires we may not even beable to acknowledge to ourselves to say nothing of sharing them others. I knowI ‘want’ to have values of being 100% honest all of the time, altruistic,loving, kind, giving, caring. I also know I am at times selfish, lie, dissembleand am unkind and unloving and selfish and uncaring. I’d like to think thosetimes of ‘negative living’ are rare and that I am thought of as generally beingkind and giving. I think I am, mostly.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects.This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike otherExtraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure theyare moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remaincentered will usually be quite successful at their endeavours. Others may fallinto the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a newpossibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which theyare capable of achieving.

Follow through on a project.That’s quite lacking in me. I can get 80%-90% done but then I seem to focus onother projects. “Oh look, new shiny thing”. I also know that I love the ‘doing’and fear being ‘done’ so I avoid the ‘done’ scenario. Not always though, butenough that I can say that project completion is a challenge for me. Though,well, I did get 3 University degrees in 10 years while raising 4 kids and beinga foster parent to 92 kids. I have managed to get employment in a helpingcareer that I love. Helping people I manage to finish projects related to that.I suppose it’s mostly handy-man painting and or repair projects I fail tofinish, actually.
Time alone to centre myself. Ido need time alone. Sometimes when I am busy with kids, Tonya, work, house,bills, finance, cleaning, social life and on and on, I feel like I’m on amerry-go-round and I can’t get off of it (and merry-go-rounds make me dizzy andnauseous). It’s like I’m spinning, directionless, as I’ve forgotten why I’m ‘gogo go go’, I’ve forgotten: ME. I need metime. Alone time. I think that’s why I love to run. Alone time. Me time. Timein my head. Self-talk. Emotional regulation. Self exploration (no, not THATkind of alone time) to understand ‘me’ better. Yes, alone time does centre me.Not sure that it’s to align myself to my values as much as it’s neededself-care and simply ‘needed’.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm andinterested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personalrelationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes,especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" andinsincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance.However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true tothemselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the bestin others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitivelyunderstand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuitionand flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

People skills. I’m told yes. Ithink I’m socially awkward sometimes. Sometimes though I do feel like I’m ‘on mygame’ and able to connect and charm.

Great importance oninter-personal relationships. Yes. Absolutely. They are the ‘web of supports’that hold me in place. If I’ve not heard from people for a while I feelanxiety. Worry. I worry they’re no longer my friend or I’ve offended them, or Iworry they are hurting or not doing well. Worry. I do that.

Need to be liked. Yes. Itbothers me when people don’t like me. I try to live with a mentality of I’m ok,I’m good, not everyone meshes, I think some people are dolts and idiots andsome people think I’m a dolt too. It’s just life. We gravitate to those who welike and are repelled by those we do not.

Overdo in an effort to winacceptance. I remember giving away rolls of pennies in my grade 6 class tocertain people I wanted to be friends with. I thought I had to give for peopleto like me. I remember people telling me to stop and that I didn’t have to doit and they were already my friend; it was like I had a ‘fear’ that I had tokeep giving or they’d leave me. Why IS that?!? What is with that? Hmmm. I thinkthis is a habit I still have. When I have $ and means to help people, I give,and I know I do so in part because I want to be liked, or at least to be seenas a kind and giving person, sometimes both.

Understand people in a shortperiod of time and relate to them at their own level. Absolutely. Or at least,intuitively I think I do. See what I did there? I know you did. Ha. See what Idid there? I know you did… =)

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, thedetails of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importanceon detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivious tothese types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do notenjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can befrustrating for ENFP's family members.

Details are drudgery. I actuallylike details. Not all details, but I usually like them. I do not like to justset out on a journey and ‘hope’ there will be a hotel there waiting for us. Ilike to call the hotel(s) in town and find the best deal, preferably one withthe biggest pool for Tonya or the coolest waterslide for the kids. Detailsmatter (to me). Details = words = meaning = preparation = safety = nosurprises. Hmmmm. Interesting. Anyway,in this area or zone of ‘no detail-land’ I do not feel I fit at all.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative- and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturallyeasy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities,because that would not jive with their value systems.

Yes, I am manipulative. I try toinfluence people and things to my advantage. I schmooze. I smooth talk. BecauseI can identify with what people are experiencing or thinking or feeling to sucha high degree and can usually ‘put myself in your shoes’ I tend to know whatyou need to hear or would want to hear (the same things I’d want to hear if Iwas in your shoes). However, I don’t tend to manipulate to any huge degrees.And often it’s when I feel fearful of losing something or someone. Like myprofessors in University. I was often fearful of being found out to be lessintelligent than I ‘ought to be’ and so I’d often talk to them and figure outwhat they liked and what their biases were; and I’d speak to and write to thosebiases and lo and behold my papers would get higher marks than my peers (eventhough my peers wrote superior papers and clearly knew the ‘theory’ cold). Soyes, I manipulate. And so do you. We all do. But I would never intentionallymanipulate people to harm them or hurt them. In fact, I find I also oftenmanipulate what people think and feel to help them feel better aboutthemselves: motivational interviewing, in my estimation, contains a greatamount of manipulation.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have anamazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation,but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrongconclusions.

I sometimes misjudge people’sintentions and beliefs about things. Sometimes when Tonya or a manager orsomeone I care about is upset about XYZ I perceive that they are upset with me,directly and that I ‘am bad’. I revert to being 6 years old and being yelled atby my mother that I am ‘six years old now and how could you…!!!’. It’s veryintense. I feel it in my stomach. Fear. Anxiety. Self loathing. And then,often, I find out it’s not actually me, per se, they were upset about but somemisunderstanding or miscommunication or they are upset about somethingcompletely different than ‘me’. It’s interesting how quickly and harshly Ijudge myself. I think we all tend to do that though. Thankfully I’ve gotten muchbetter though over the years at not being so quick to judge situations (ormyself); I have a long way to go still though, but I’m on the path. Yay me!

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have adifficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing thepossibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is.The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to theirrelationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and arebest matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and newexperiences.

Hmmmm. Interesting. I do likevariety. This is true. And I do like the excitement of new friendships andrelationships, of digging in and getting to know new and interesting people. Iattribute this to my ADHD as well. Hmmmm. Interesting.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may bestressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendencies. Suchchildren may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand,as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimesthe ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times theywill play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in theirvalue systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, alongwith a basic joy of living.
I try to parent in a balancedway of a ‘leader’. A true friend who cares, always cares, and whom you knowalways cares and has your best interest at heart. This is how I feel about mychildren and my parenting anyway. My teens may not think it or notice it orcare presently, but I so love them and want only the best for them. I don’tthink life is a ‘whirlwind’ for me or my children, I hope it’s not. I like afoundation, a safe landing place, a safe launching place, security. And fun.And adventure. But everyone needs a home base, a foundation of safety fromwhich to grow and learn.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy whenthey are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPswork best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where theycan work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They havethe ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they areexcited about what they're doing.

Yep. I’m basically happy. Andyes, I do not like strict schedules (micromanaging). Some mundane I like. Ilike paperwork. Finances. Writing. Flexibility and variety are quite importantto me. And yes, I can focus without external motivators (supervision) so longas I am excited about the task(s) at hand.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanningtheir environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strongneed to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need tomaintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controllingothers. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as wellas to themselves.

Muscle tension? Don’t think so.

Again, yes, I resist beingcontrolled. Labelled I don’t mind so much, as long as it’s kind. If it’s notkind I would take that to mean I’m not kind and I need to be seen and known askind and I think the biggest fear or thing that would bother me would be ifsomeone saw me as mean or a bully or unkind. I have been mean. I have bullied.I have been unkind. But I’d like to think it’s 99 -1 against, 99% kind, 1%mean. I hope so anyway.

Dislike of dependence. I like tobe needed. I need to be needed. It feeds my ‘giver personality’. There aredegrees and levels to everything though. Too much dependence feels like it’sinfringing, on what I can’t quite articulate. My time, my freedom, myindependence perhaps.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive,people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum.They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those nearthem, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of followingthrough.

Charming. SoI’ve been told.

Ingenuous.Meaning candid and sincere, I think so, yes.

Risk taking.Mildly. Depends. Part intuition, part planning.

People oriented.Yeppers.

Broad range oftalents and gifts. I’ve been told, and I think so too, yes. People.Counselling. Seeing to the heart of the matter. Healing. Helping. Handymanprojects (I can start and finish some, and can change oil and tires and such).I can also sew and clean. And help kids with homework. Cut and style hair. Andwrite. I can make you laugh. I can design a weight loss and exercise programthat will work for you. I can apply makeup (to women, not to myself, just to beclear).

And I know justwhat to say to make you feel better about yourself and your situation, everytime.

Overall, I'd say I'm maybe 60-70%ish ENFPish/esque.

AN ESFP KIND OF DAY

2011-10-24T11:33:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm an ESFP according to Myers Briggs. I thought I might take a minute to dissect what that means to me. Turns out it took many minutes; but I found the self-reflection to be, well, insightful and interesting.

As an ESFP, your primary mode ofliving is focused externally, where you take things in via your five senses ina literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is internal, where you dealwith things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with yourpersonal value system.

*** I do think literally andconcretely. I am a very high auditory learner (one counsellor told me I was thehighest degree in this learning style they had ever come across). This is whywords mean so much to me. I’m also a processor and need time to think andreview what’s been said. If someone says XYZ and I need to think about it, Ibecome ‘stuck’ on it and the other person may have continued to talk but Ican’t hear a word they’re saying, I’m still ‘hearing’ what they had just said,mulling it over, giving it meaning, thinking more deeply about it, peeling awaythe WHY they said what they said and what does it MEAN to them, to me, towhatever and whomever the subject is etc. I wonder if that’s why I like to typeso much and why words mean so much to me. When I type, I’m saying the words inmy mind, in my soul, within me, giving them meaning, understanding them; muchlike a potter would feel and know and understand the clay he’s spinning intothe shape of his creation. And words mean everything to me. If you say XYZ andthen later say YXZ, I will notice. I will feel it, almost like nails on achalkboard. Even months or years later. I believe this is why some people haveaccused me of recording our conversations on tape when I haven’t, because I payattention to words and conversations, they are like air to me.***

ESFPs live in the world ofpeople possibilities. They love people and new experiences. They are lively andfun, and enjoy being the center of attention. They live in the here-and-now,and relish excitement and drama in their lives.

***I do not consider myselflively or fun. Though I am often told that I am. I suppose sometimes I must bethough. On reflection I am happy to be the center of attention, if no one elseis. If someone as dominant, or more dominant than me is there, I grow quiet andstep down (it’s actually like that, like I can feel myself stepping down offthe stage and going back into the audience). I do live in the ‘here and now’,though I do visit the ‘past and gone’ as well as the ‘future’ (goals, hopes,dreams, aspirations). ***

ESFPs have very stronginter-personal skills, and may find themselves in the role of the peacemakerfrequently. Since they make decisions by using their personal values, they areusually very sympathetic and concerned for other people's well-being. They'reusually quite generous and warm. They are very observant about other people,and seem to sense what is wrong with someone before others might, respondingwarmly with a solution to a practical need. They might not be the bestadvice-givers in the world, because they dislike theory and future-planning,but they are great for giving practical care.

***I am often the peacemaker.With my children. With the foster children we used to have. With coworkers.With those I counsel. Sometimes even with and within myself. Personal Values? It’sbeen so long since I’ve visited the land of thinking about my personal valuesthat I ignored these words as I read them, not being quite sure what to do withthem; perhaps wondering if I had any. Upon reflection, I do (love and kindness– towards others, towards myself; not that I live it, not that I am alwayshonest, or kind or loving, but I often am, enough to say I usually live myvalues). I am quite sympathetic. Quite. Quite empathetic. Empatheticallysympathetic even. I am generous. To a point of not knowing my limits or boundaries(or what should be limits and boundaries). I am always observing other people.Always. Always thinking what is behind what people say or don’t say, do ordon’t do. Always looking for people’s pain, always telling myself a story abouttheir past and what would lead up to that pain and their behaviours. I’m alsoalways looking for people’s strengths, their resiliency, their super powers. Notthe best advice givers in the world? Hmmmm. Maybe not. Especially if I can’tfollow my own advice. But I rather think that I actually am one of the bestadvice givers in the world (meaning: I can reflect back to you what you reflectto me, in love and kindness and with ideas on how to change how you seeyourself and ideas on how to change your situation). Dislike theory? Yes. Ican’t hold it in my head actually. This was a downfall for me in my UniversitySchooling. Professors consistently could see that I was applying things at abasic level, effectively, sometimes brilliantly, but as far as explaining thenuances and details of the ‘theory’, I frankly couldn’t. I have always passedit off as my adhd and poor memorization skills; now I wonder if my personalitytype just doesn’t like or enjoy ‘theory’? Possibly both. It’s usually ‘both’,rarely one thing or the other, always shades of grey, for me, for this, foreverything, for everyone. Future planning I can do, I love to plan. It’s thefollow through that’s the challenge sometimes. Practical care; back to theliteral, yep. You need $, I’ll give you $. You need a job, I’ll help you withyour resume and give you every website that you can apply to and help you setup email alerts to save you time and have the jobs come to you. You need food,I’ll take you shopping. Practical, that’s me.***

ESFP is definitely a spontaneous,optimistic individual. They love to have fun. If the ESFP has not developedtheir Thinking side by giving consideration to rational thought processing,they tend to become over-indulgent, and place more importance on immediatesensation and gratification than on their duties and obligations. They may alsoavoid looking at long-term consequences of their actions.

*** I am not all thatspontaneous. Planned spontaneity, with minimal risk of harm to self or others,sure. Optimistic. Yes. Definitely. Though, also a realist. And sometimespessimist. I’d say I’m 90/10. 90% optimist and 10% everything that’s notoptimism. Interesting, I don’t even want to name the ‘negative’. It ebbs andflows though. Some moments I am quite pessimistic. But those are moments, blips,brought on by temporary obstacles. I find that once I accept ‘whatever’ (insertobstacle or challenge) as being ‘as is and unchangeable’, I then can simmerdown my feelings and then engage my brain into how to change that which isunchangeable. I used to describe being told “no” like this: “When I hear no, Isee it as a wall. I will then look for a door in the wall to climb through. Ifthere is no door, I will find a window. If no window I will get a ladder andclimb over the wall. If the wall is too high I will see if I can dig under thewall. If I can’t find a door or window, or climb over or dig under the wall, Iwill then try to find others who have a big enough ladder to get me over, orperhaps they know where a secret door is and they have the key and they’ll letme in. If that fails, then I’ll leave the wall alone and try to go around it.And if the wall goes forever and there truly is no way to get through it, I’lllook at blowing it up. And if I can’t blow it up, I’ll walk away from it”. Theshort story is: I don’t give up easily and I rarely take “no” as “no”, I reallyhear “no” as “I’m sorry, I’m just not smart enough at the moment to understandthat I need to be telling you yes, can you teach me what I’m missing?”. Howendearing I must appear to others. Though, I am getting better at giving peopletheir freedom to choose (however unwisely, he almost jested), I realize I doNOT know everything and that I am quite often wrong and that it is actually Ithat needs to be taught what I am missing, not the other way around. Love tohave fun. Yes, yes I do. Though, I’m also quite content to also rest and donothing. Well, not nothing. Maybe just be involved in a few things vs. too manythings (once someone asked me “What is it that drives you to do as much as 10normal people all at once?”… I don’t have an answer. Well, I do, I glimpse it,and it has to do with being alone and quiet with myself, but we won’t go theretoday. Even ‘vegging’ in front of the TV I am happiest when I’m sorting socksor laundry. My mind is rarely at rest, though I’d like to get more zen-like. Wedid P90X Yoga last week and they talked about being ‘focused and restful’, allI was doing was trying not to break my spine by contorting into unholy humanpretzel shapes; but a part of me felt hopeful that once I mastered yoga enoughto not have to think about the moves, I could then focus on the calmness, thefocus, the peace. It appeals to me. Avoiding looking at long term consequencesetc. We’ll just skip that part. See what I did there? ***

For the ESFP, the entire worldis a stage. They love to be the center of attention and perform for people.They're constantly putting on a show for others to entertain them and make themhappy. They enjoy stimulating other people's senses, and are extremely good atit. They would love nothing more than for life to be a continual party, inwhich they play the role of the fun-loving host.

***I don’t know about a ‘stage’,though I do like to talk in a way that engages people’s brains and paints picturesin their minds and souls. I like to ‘draw with words’ for people. Usinganalogies is something I do naturally and quite well in my counselling and dayto day conversations (which counselling really is for me, just having a regularconversation with someone as counselling is who I am and what I do). I’m notquite as party-centric as this description indicates though. I do like downtime. But life is a party, something to be enjoyed and savoured andappreciated. From running your hands in the sand and grass, to listening to aBlue Jay (my favourite bird), to running while listening to amazingly amazing80’s music to holding hands with your kids and walking and talking about theirtrials and tribulations and joys and happiness: life is wonderful and I do likeand rather prefer others to see and feel the same (though, hypocritically, whenI visit sadland, I don’t feel this way; happily though, it’s only a short stayand I don’t have a residence there, in fact, I can’t even couch surf there) ***

ESFPs love people, and everybodyloves an ESFP. One of their greatest gifts is their general acceptance ofeveryone. They are upbeat and enthusiastic, and genuinely like almosteverybody. An ESFP is unfailingly warm and generous with their friends, andthey generally treat everyone as a friend. However, once crossed, an ESFP islikely to make a very strong and stubborn judgment against the person whocrossed them. They are capable of deep dislike in such a situation.

***”I love people”. I say itoften. I feel it always. So yes, yes I do. I would never say that everyoneloves me. I do accept everyone, generally speaking, yes. Not their beliefs, nottheir actions or inactions, not their practices (religious. Cultural, social,etc.) but them, they themselves as Children of the Universe, as fellow humansin the family called Life. Yes, absolutely. Love them. And some people, eventhough I love and care for them as people, I absolutely have to put up wallsand keep them out of my life because they do more harm than good to my soul andI need boundaries and to love myself as well. I am capable of deep dislike,yes. Mainly when it comes to people who harm others, who are cruel or mean orunloving or selfish (which of course is hypocritical because I too at times canbe cruel, mean, unloving and selfish – I suppose we all dislike in others thatwhich we see in ourselves).

The ESFP under a great deal ofstress gets overwhelmed with negative thoughts and possibilities. As anoptimistic individual who lives in the world of possibilities, negativepossibilities do not sit well with them. In an effort to combat these thoughts,they're likely to come up with simple, global statements to explain away theproblem. These simplistic explanations may or may not truly get to the natureof the issue, but they serve the ESFP well by allowing them to get over it.

***Stress and me. I tend to getcranky. Mainly because I don’t have ‘space or time’ to think or process. Mycranky self, I believe, acts to push others away so I get the ‘space and time’I need to process. The other day I had my first 3 day weekend in a long time.Tonya was working so I felt no pressure to do anything. I did lots of things,on my time, that I wanted to do, and I felt pure joy and elation thinking “Ididn’t get to this and this, but wait, it’s ok, I still have all day Saturdayand Sunday to get to it, yay!”. It’s the space and freedom to ‘do’ and to‘choose’ that I need. I do not do well being told what to do, even if I know Ishould or need to do it, because it’s no longer my choice, it’s someone elseimposing upon my free will. The trick, I’m finding, is realigning my innervoice so that I make it OUR will and OUR choice and something WE need to do;make myself more of a ‘team player’ than I typically am. When I manage torealign that inner voice, I’m not frustrated and I’m far easier to work with,live with and be with. Negative possibilities. I didn’t realize what those wordsmeant when I first read it. I had to re-read it and concretely make myselfthink: “there are negative possibilities, not just positive ones”. I don’t seenegative possibilities. Or if I do, I shoot them and bury them on sight. I knowthey exist, but they rarely find me. I’m most often living in the world ofpotentiality, of “getting to maybe, or even ‘yes’ ” vs “staying at ‘no, itcan’t work’ ”. I do tend to quickly sum up problems, put them in neat littleboxes with ribbons and bows and put them on the shelf so they don’t clutter upmy ‘possibilities workshop floor’. I know I do this too quickly with people andtheir problems. Many people want to process through them, to belabor them. Ithink this gives them more life, time and energy than they deserve (theproblems, not the people). I want to move on to solutions and off of theproblem. One of the reasons why I LOVE to diagnose and dissect people is thatthere are, typically but not always, consistent ‘reasons’ for why people arethe way they are – and if you have a reason (a cause) then you can havesomething to address the cause, the root of the problem. I always am looking atpeople’s roots. What’s really going on, and why and how, and what can be doneto make it better. Always. Getting over it. Do I do that? Most things, many things, yes. Some things I find myself‘stuck’ in. Either beating myself up for offending someone, or of beating upothers for offending me. Relationship. Everything is relationship. To others,to ourselves. ***

ESFPs are likely to be verypractical, although they hate structure and routine. They like to "go withthe flow", trusting in their ability to improvise in any situationpresented to them. They learn best with "hands-on" experience, ratherthan by studying a book. They're uncomfortable with theory. If an ESFP hasn'tdeveloped their intuitive side, they may tend to avoid situations which involvea lot of theoretical thinking, or which are complex and ambiguous. For thisreason, an ESFP may have difficulty in school. On the other hand, the ESFP doesextremely well in situations where they're allowed to learn by interacting withothers, or in which they "learn by doing".

***I absolutely despise structure, routine and micromanagement. I am very good at on the fly improvisation, quite. And yes, I learn best by experiencing vs. reading. I describe it as "I need to go through the learning and the experience to understand it, almost like my mind needs to be dyed with the ink of the meaning and thoughts of what's being taught", so yes, 'learn by doing' is how I learn best. I avoid theoretical thinking and 'evidence based' approaches. Sure you can teach them to me (but it must be in a manner that I can easily grasp), but I don't want to research it, I don't want to spend hours digging into it, I just want the tool, see that it's useful and then I want to apply it.***

ESFPs have a very well-developedappreciation for aesthetic beauty, and an excellent sense of space andfunction. If they have the means, they're likely to have to have many beautifulpossessions, and an artfully furnished home. In general, they take greatpleasure in objects of aesthetic beauty. They're likely to have a strongappreciation for the finer things in life, such as good food and good wine.

***I appreciate it when I seeit, yes. Though, generally, I have no time for ‘art’. Well, some time, but it’slimited. If I see a beautifully crafted masterpiece in a museum, I will look atit; try to figure out how it was made, of what, the process etc. Then I willmore happily spend time reading about the creator of the piece and theirhistory, their story, getting to know them. I’d say I spend 60/40 focusing onthe artist vs. their work. I do love going to homes which are beautifully andtastefully decorated, love it. The feel, the lines, the curves, the colours,the exquisite ‘lightness of being’ it invokes within me. I do think sometimesthat when we have $ we will have a nicer house with nicer things in it, moretastefully decorated. But it’s a casual thought, not something I think about oftenor intensely. Hmmm. Now if ‘aesthetic beauty’ could be seen to mean the ‘femaleform’, for that I have all the time and interest in the world.***

The ESFP is a great team player.He or she is not likely to create any problems or fuss, and is likely to createthe most fun environment possible for getting the task done. ESFPs will do bestin careers in which they are able to use their excellent people skills, alongwith their abilities to meld ideas into structured formats. Since they arefast-paced individuals who like new experiences, they should choose careerswhich offer or require a lot of diversity, as well as people skills.

***Team player. I struggle withthis definition. I love to work alone. I also love to help others succeed andhelp them connect to tools, ideas, resources, solutions they may not previouslythought of or had access to. I suppose some would see me as a team player,others not so much. I think it all depends on how you define it and look at it.Personally, I do see myself as a team player, yes. ‘Not likely to createproblems’. I smiled when I read that. I often create problems. Well, more oftenthan I’d like, not as often as some, more often than others. I am fast-paced, Ido love new experiences, ‘variety’ you might say, ‘diversity’, certainly.

ESFPs usually like to feelstrongly bonded with other people, and have a connection with animals and smallchildren that is not found in most other types. They're likely to have a strongappreciation for the beauties of nature as well.

***Bonding with other people.Yes. I do this. When we first moved toCoaldale a neighbour was walking by. He stopped to talk. We talked for 3-4hours. Well, he did 90% of the talking, as is normal for my ‘conversations’. Iloved it. I felt whole, fulfilled, like a ‘pig in poop’ (as they say). Tonyawas banging on the window for me to come in and help put the kids to bed. I wasbeing eaten alive by mosquitoes. And I was truly happy. ‘Connection withanimals / and nature’. I love animals, for the most part (cats and I have hadan uneasy relationship since I watched Tonya stop breathing after being arounda few; instant ‘dislike’, which has gotten a bit better over the ensuing 10+years since the incident). I’d be happy if the only TV was National Geographic.Well, ok, I’d miss House and Big Bang Theory and Glee, possibly True Blood andGame of Thrones too (I have yet to watch those but hear they’re good)… so otherthan those, National Geographic TV all the time, every channel = bliss. Nature.I recall seeing Tonya’s brother in AlgonquinPark in Ontario a few years ago. I’d been busy withmy schooling and raising kids and work and being on the go all the time. Theycamped next to a slowly meandering river. I walked down the steep embankmentand sat down and stared at the scene. The water, the grass, the movement, thestillness, the life of Mother Earth. I put my hands on the mud, the sand, thegravel, the grass, connecting and touching it all. I actually ‘felt’ as if theearth was welcoming me back, grounding me, filling me up with what I missed. Idon’t recall a thing that was discussed during that time with Tonya’s brother(he’s a super guy) but I do recall every second I was alone on that river bank,connecting to and drinking in nature and Life. Connecting with children, comesabsolutely naturally (takes one to know one – no, really, it does, if you can’tconnect, you’ve simply forgotten). ***

The ESFP has a tremendous lovefor life, and knows how to have fun. They like to bring others along on theirfun-rides, and are typically a lot of fun to be with. They're flexible,adaptable, genuinely interested in people, and usually kind-hearted. They havea special ability to get a lot of fun out of life, but they need to watch outfor the pitfalls associated with living entirely in the moment.

***I love life, yes. I’m notsure I know how to have fun. But when I say that I’m really judging myself fromthe eyes of others. To me fun can be finally having a bath, alone, with quiettime and reading a book I’ve wanted to. Or typing non stop for an hour to sharemy thoughts about my ESFP personality. Or going for a run. Or bowling. Or justtalking and connecting to another person. It’s ALL fun to me. This is a problemsometimes if others expect ‘rip-roaring fun, amusement rides and big ‘events’or special ‘things’ --- I think just spending time with someone is special andjust doing anything is ‘fun and amazing’. I don’t need fancy. I don’t need ‘bigfun’, the little stuff, to me, IS the big stuff. I am usually kind-hearted. Iadapt quite often, but also often grudgingly if I’m not getting my way andyou’ve not explained to my satisfaction (understanding) of why your way is theright or better way. Interested in people, yes, we’ve covered that. I don’tlive entirely in the moment; I fret and worry about the future, often. Oftenenough to know I should worry about it more than I do, maybe though that’sevidence I am living in the moment (Holy circular reasoning Batman!)***

Anyway, those are my thoughts onbeing an ESFP, I’d say it applies to me about 80%. Apparently I’m also part ENFP too. And on theDISC personality profile I’m also a ‘high D’.

Maybe one day soon I’ll dig into my thoughts on those profiles.

How would I describe myself?

Loving. Kind. A giver. A helper.A rescuer. A caregiver. Moody. Cranky. Selfish. Hypocritical. Insightful.

Mostly Harmless.

DEAR UNIVERSE

2011-09-30T09:39:00.001-07:00

Dear Universe,

I think you just gave me whiplash.

And. I loved it.

Love, Me.

A GOOD DAY TO BOTTLE UP

2011-09-28T21:58:00.000-07:00

Today was a day where I connected with others, really helped people and felt connected to the Universe / God / Julia (we all KNOW that Julia IS God so let's just stop pretending).

I was touched. And touched others. Their minds hearts and souls (and mine).

Very fulfilling.

Need to bottle this up.

THE GREAT (BI-SEXUAL) MORMON BUTTERFLY

2011-09-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

THE GREAT MORMON BUTTERFLY STORY (CLICK HERE)

I was amused today as I read this story. And it brought me a back a bit too. I remember when I was 10 years old I put a caterpillar in a jar, with a twig and some grass and leaves and after a few days it spun a cocoon. After a period of time (a week? 2?) it 'hatched'. A beautiful butterfly emerged. My mom took a picture. I look soooo happy in that picture, I've thought about that picture lately, I still have it, I need to go find it. Anyway, on to the story...

The story speaks about this extremely rare butterfly born with both male and female physical characteristics. Completely 50/50 (hence I chose the word 'bi-sexual' for this post; though I suppose it could be / is a 'hermaphrodite butterfly', but I like "bisexual butterfly" for the alliteration).

The fact that it is a "MORMON butterfly" I found to be rather ironic.

What would I have done if one of my children was born a hermaphrodite and I was a faithful active LDS member?

What if they did NOT get gender reassignment surgery to nip, snip or tuck away whichever features we wanted to pretend they weren't born with?

What if my hermaphrodite child grew into their teens and adulthood and felt more male than female and wanted to date females? Or wanted to date... BOTH?

Would that be allowed?

Or would they 'need' gender reassignment surgery first to quite literally deny and put away parts of who they really were? Parts of themselves that 'God' gave them?

What would the God of Love direct for His child through his living LDS prophets?

Last I heard of what He had to say on the subject was the same as birth control (nothing). Though, in LDSland it used to be that birth control was equated with "murder", today it's equated with "it's up to you". Same with children born with indistinguishable genitalia or xx chromosomes etc, it's up to the parents as to how to handle this.

The fascinating thing to me is that if a person (teenager, adult, etc.) is emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually drawn to their same sex (homosexuality), or both sexes (bisexuality), that is evil, wrong, 'bad' and will send them to Heck in a Hand-basket (acting on their true natures is 'evil'). But if they are born with the physical attributes of both sexes, well, then it's ok for parents to give their children gender reassignment surgeries and dress Suzie up as a girl all her life, even though her chromosomes and DNA may indicate that Suzie should have been named Samuel.

And what if Suzie gets married to Bob and then after a while finds though she really loves Bob, she'd love to 'squeeze the Charmin' with Bob's sister Bernadette?

The obvious solution is to let Suzie date and marry whomever she wants and to leave God and religion out of it.

I hope that the Mormon butterfly in this story doesn't have any Mormon missionary butterflies knock on it's door to teach it about the evils of non-heterosexuality i.e. of being who it simply 'is'.

We are all beautiful butterflies, some even beautiful Mormon butterflies, or Catholic, or Atheist, or homosexual, or bisexual, or transgendered or A-sexual... and we all need the freedom to fly and to just be who we are.

DISABILITY TAX CREDIT (T2201)

2011-09-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

Even though I've done my own taxes since I was 16 years old (that's right, I've done them for the past 13 years), it wasn't until just a few months ago that I learned about the T2201 Disability Tax Credit.

I have had a few clients and a few friends receive thousand of dollars recently due to this credit and think that everyone should know about it. I've applied for it too (we have 3 people in the family with ADHD and apparently ADHD 'counts'). YAY! =)

The disability tax credit certificate does two things.

#1 - It lowers the taxes you owe. This means that if I as an adult am given the tax credit (say, for ADHD), then my taxes (say I pay $10,000 a year) could be reduced (say by $5,000). This would mean that I get back $5,000 per year (in this example / guess / approximation). You can request that they go back up to 10 years (you have to request it, or they won't).

#1a) - I can claim this tax credit for my children, spouse or partner if they qualify (mental health challenges (bi-polar, depression, adhd, autism), physical health challenges (blindness, deafness, mobility issues, disease, etc.). For example, if I as an adult do not have any 'disability' which qualifies but my daughter has kidney disease and does qualify, I can then claim her on my taxes and reduce what I owe (as in the example #1 above).

#2 - It increases the amount paid for the Child Tax Benefit (via the Child Disability Benefit). For example, if my daughter is diagnosed with ADHD and receives the disability tax credit certification, then the amount for the Child Tax Benefit is increased (up to $2,500 per year). You can request they go back up to 10 years.

NOTE: If you do NOT formally request that they go back up to 10 years (or whatever amount you are entitled to), the regular amount they will back-pay you is only 2 years.

EXAMPLE: CHILD

A parent has a 15 year old son with autism (or adhd, or anything that qualifies). They did not know about the Disability Tax Credit amount for the past 10 years. The child gets diagnosed by a psychiatrist (free of charge per our free health care) and is certified by that psychiatrist as having had the condition at least since the age of 5. The form is filled out and certified by the family doctor and then mailed in to Revenue Canada. The application is accepted. The parents had requested, formally and in writing, that they be back-paid for 10 years.

The parent receiving the Child Tax Benefit (let's assume it's the mom) now gets:

$2,500 x 10 years back pay: $25,000

$2,000 x 10 years back pay on reduced income taxes they 'overpaid on': $20,000

$45,000 total.

PLUS they receive the additional $2,500 per year moving forward on the increased Child Tax Benefit due to the Child Disability Benefit being added to that amount.

EXAMPLE: ADULT

An adult is diagnosed with adult ADHD which their psychiatrist certifies they have had for the past 10 years. They submit the paperwork (T2201 request, filled out by their doctor etc.) They formally request that Revenue Canada go back 10 years and adjust their income tax filings utilizing the Disability Tax Credit for all of those years to reduce their taxes owed. The application and request is accepted.

The adult's tax adjustment averages $2,000 less in income taxes owed for the past 10 years therefore they receive a $20,000 cheque. PLUS going forward their yearly taxes are reduced by $2,000.

THE PREREQUISITE 'DO NOT SUE ME NOTE':

These are made up numbers to only give a sense of how the tax benefits may possibly, potentially, vaguely or opaquely, possibly operate in your situation (or not). This is NOT official tax advice or financial advice. Talk to your accountant or Revenue Canada or Uncle Bob or Aunt Alice for clarification.

MY THERAPY

2011-09-26T17:59:00.000-07:00

I totally needed to type today.I feel better-ish/esque.

Much.

Things are as they need to be. Never perfect, but always as they need to be.

When I don’tfight that, when I accept 'what is', things are always fine.

It’s always good. Orit can be always bad. It's always amazing to me to find people who are so positive all of the time that it's 'all good'. But you know what, I'd rather be on their side of the line than where I traditionally live (it's all not quite ever good enough, or it's plain bad, or could be better, or whine whine whine...).

My angst and labeling and railing against the past, oragainst an uncertain future, is what causes my ‘now’ to be distorted.

Thechoice in how to view things always rests with me.

Though sometimes, I’djust like to rest, period.

I’m thinking Hawaii would be nice for a rest... see you at the airport?(Bring sun-tan lotion, the commune is definitely clothing-optional).

NEW AGE-Y-NESS / SPIRITUAL-ISH-NESS

2011-09-26T17:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we attended a “lightseekers” event in Lethbridge. It was, well, fascinating. About 25 people, all withvaried and differing views on spirituality, healing, connectedness, God, etc.There were Yoga instructors. Teachers. Social Workers. Reiki Masters. Holistichealers. Even some who believed in “alien channelling”.

My first gut response to some ofthe beliefs was “that’s weird” or “crazy”. But that only lasted about 30seconds.

The rest of the time I was ‘open’ and non-judgemental (as much as Iknow how to be) and just listened and took in the beliefs of others withrespect and interest in learning.

We had a ‘circle time’ where everyoneheld hands and ‘shared’; our names, something about ourselves, it was very‘connecting’.

Then those who needed ‘healing energy’ went inside the circle andthe rest of us ‘prayed / chanted / evoked energy’ towards them. It was wiselypointed out that ALL OF US could use a boost and healing energy (we’re all‘walking wounded’ aren’t we?).

I felt slightly exhilarated asthis energy sharing was going on, especially during the ‘chant’ part with the“ohms”. Not unlike a spiritual experience I may have had when I was LDS(though, I didn’t jump to the conclusion that this was the “true” ‘circle oflife energy’ that I needed to give 10% of my gross income to it or I’d burn inHell… ooops, I digress, got all religious there for a second).

It wasvery nice. And the people were very nice. And I’d totally go again. Maybe eventry a yoga class. I like the feeling of being ‘open’ and not ‘closed’, open towhat life may bring and accepting and as respectful as I know how to be.

It’shard though, being this perfect and humble and having all of the answers, toaccommodate others... oh wait, there I go again, getting all religious. =)

I think I could actually make yoga, meditation and or other similar-ish things a more regular part of my spiritual diet. In fact, I think I need to.

Namaste!

FOSTERING

2011-09-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

Well, after 8 years and 92-ishchildren, we’re done fostering. My ranting on my blog and mentioning things inmy ranting without thinking ‘what happens next’, was the reason (which is ofcourse quite ADHD of me, “no filter”).

The same thing happened when Iblogged about some of my immature and still developing views on addictions and counselling, my workplace wasso NOT impressed.

Anyway, about the fostering, it’s interesting that after theinitial humiliation and anger at my own short sightedness, it feels right. Likeit was time. Now we can 'just be our family' for a while. 8 years is an awfully long time. That's longer than most social workers last.

I’m hopeful that the Universehas more and better things in store.

It was a blessing and privilege to serveso many children (and their parents and families).

While it was also disheartening to seethe politics and lack of ‘true helping’ due to budgets and policy and proceduresand arbitrary decisions, overall, it was a great experience for me, and mychildren learned a lot too. And they made some good friends and had many goodtimes.

So, well, to everyone who's supported us and our family and our children and the many wonderful foster children we've served over the years (and even those who didn't wish us well and saw us as a big fat pain) ... so long and thanks for all the fish.

WORK

2011-09-26T17:42:00.000-07:00

Loving my work.

Love. IT!

It is such a wonderful supportive team environment here (I'll write more just as soon as they let me out of the bathroom (they locked me in)... wait... what is that, what is THAT? GAH! They just put in a honey badger and locked the door again... AAAAAAGHHHHHHH!).

***************************************************

Back to our regularly scheduled posting... those guys, such crazy fun. Oh wait, in this 'field' I'm not supposed to say "crazy" (but yeah, I do).

My website is nearlydone for my ‘side practice’.

My goals are to have my practice grow and developinto newspaper / magazine articles, books, speaking tours and successfullyhelping 100’s or 1000’s or millions of people (lets go big shall we?).

Work. Not a 4 letter word anymore.

I am so blessed to be able to go into work and just be myself and help people, to change and even save lives.

I love the learning and education I'm receiving too and am learning so much from my peers as well. All of this is enabling me to help people to an even greater degree.

Loving IT!

KIDLETS & TONYA

2011-09-26T17:30:00.001-07:00

I went fishing with Mackenzie(13) on Saturday morning at Henderson Lake. We had an awesome time. She caught alarge (20-ish inch) pike (I caught seaweed). We talked and shared andconnected. We walked and held hands. She even told me she loved me (yay, I’mnot fired as her friend / father, yet). We played at the AWESOME kid park there(swings, teeter-totter). We went to McDonald’s for breakfast. What a greatdaughter-date.

On Sunday I went fishing with Sierra (10). We both caught seaweed and had asuper time playing in the park and walking and talking and philosophizing aboutLife, The Universe and Everything (and everyone in it).

Braiden turned 18 last week. Mybaby is 18. He’s talking about moving out this January or February. I don’tknow how I will feel about that when it happens, but I do know how I feel aboutit now, and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

Sadie. What a beautiful youngwoman she is. Sadly, it’s been quite awhile since she agreed that ‘boys areevil’, though she can be heard from time to time touting the fact that “theyshould have rocks thrown at them.” She’s doing so well in school, and iscurrently planning a trip to Paris with Mackenzie. I’d like her to help me‘plan a secret plan’ for next year’s 20^th wedding anniversary forTonya and I (shhhh).

TONYA. She’s still exercising 5-6 timesa week. She couldn’t fit in College and family and work so she’ll be taking 1-2courses at a time and go slow and casual and relaxed. She’s healthy.Mostly happy. Focused.

HOW GAY AM I?

2011-09-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I met a man whorecently left the LDS Mormon Church. He went on a mission, was married,co-created a wonderful family of 9 children with a beautiful loving wife, andthen determined the church was not what it claimed to be and left, and alonghis journey discovered that he was gay. When he met me he thought I wasgay. He was apparently disappointed to learn that I wasn’t (sorry boys *wink*).

I recently met a woman andwithin a few minutes she said “You sure seem gay to me, you sure you’re notgay?” Yeah, she was a tad direct, “no filter”, who does that remind me of?

What IS it that makes me seemgay?

So far the common themes seem tobe:

My mannerisms.
The way I talk.
The cadence of my words.
My kind eyes.
My talking with my hands.
My nurturing nature.
My not engaging in the grunting low-brow man-talk that most men engage in.
My penchant for the colour purple / violet.
The women at work tell me I dress ‘very well’.
That I’m “not like most men”.
The fact that I’m completely at home in a lunch room with 20 women, talking, sharing, connecting, laughing, engaging, but shudder at the idea of being in a room with 20 men trying to figure out how to connect with rude, crude, loud, video-game-playing, ‘non-givers’ (yes, I stereotype men, don’t judge me). =)

There is a part of me thatdislikes being told I seem gay, it’s small, but it’s there (maybe left overhomophobia? maybe a fleeting feeling of not being ‘manly enough’ in the eyes ofwhoever is saying it?).

I am also flattered and honoured as I stereotypicallythink gay men are often nurturing, kind, selfless, emotional, sensitive andhave been through a lot in their private personal lives (I can absolutelyrelate to that). Interesting. I wonder if women ever get “You seem solesbian. Are you SURE you’re not lesbian?” and the WHY behind that commentbeing directed at them and how do they feel about that?

I suppose the dead giveawaysthat I am NOT gay are: I have zero dance coordination / rhythm and I’ve notwatched a single Liza Minnelli movie. And the fact that I can pluck T’seyebrows and do her hair and makeup and help her pick out clothes to buy/wear…just more non-redneck talent is all (and I find that most women are soooojealous of this super-power of mine and wished their man even paid attention towhat they wore, seriously).

However, if you want the real proof I’m not gay,well, just ask Olivia, *wink*.

FRIENDSHIP

2011-09-26T17:23:00.000-07:00

I’ve recently hurt a dear friendwho I consider my ‘best friend’, unintentionally. And Tonya’s been hurtrecently too by me, unintentionally. Recently someone I had thought I could be/ wanted to be very good friends with, didn’t think the same. They were quitekind though, even told me they ‘hoped I found what I was looking for’. Theinteresting thing being, they were what I was looking for, so I already hadfound it. I’ve also walked away from other friends to greater or lesser degreeslately (and all my life). I suppose it’s just ‘the dance of relationships’ at play. Sometimesthough, I feel like being a wallflower and just sitting in the dark corner,unnoticed and not even trying to engage in the dance…I just seem to mess it up when I doengage. What I say, and do, or don’t say or don’t do. Nothing is ever quiteright it seems. I’m not quite right I suppose.

I guess that’s life: messy,rarely fitting in the lines or the box or our expectations, or the expectationsof others. I suppose that’s how people are though, all of us, and I know I tendto be hard on myself ‘naturally’, but it’s so much easier to point a finger atme when others are hurting due to, well, me. Why does this read like a teenagedrama? Maybe I do need to sit down and take a break from trying until I’m moreof a Yoda-level where I can master the: “do or do not, there is no try”. So friends, if you’re looking for me, I’ll be in the corner, reading abook, maybe writing a book, and all the while hoping the DJ plays 80’s music(lots of Cure and Depeche Mode I would think).

Recently a friend, Kevin, workedon my van. We sat and talked for 3 hours. In my experience, he is a giver, andkind, and a gentle spirit (and I’ve never once thought he was gay, howodd). I loved just being there, really sharing and connecting to anotherperson. I don’t do that enough. I think we all don’t do thatenough. Plus I learned more in 30 minutes of van-talk than I could in 30years of trying to figure mechanical things out on my own. Yay Kevin! Yayme! Yes, that’s right. 2.5 hours of NOT looking at the van and justhaving ‘me time’. Don’t tell Tonya! The whole experience actuallyreminded me of my late teens and early married years with my good friend Owen.A mechanically inclined true giver. I miss Owen. I hope he’s doing amazinglyamazing.

We (Tonya and I) also had alovely time with the Oliver’s the other night, one of the only LDS families whostill thinks we’re not too Satan-infected to hang out with. Ironically thissocial time with the Oliver’s interfered with our planned goat sacrifice, sad.The next morning Gertrude (the goat) had eaten through her rope and escaped soall we had was the neighbours yippy dog (not so yippy anymore, are ya!? AREYA!?). But I don’t think that was enough to cast the spell (Olivia’s not calledyet anyway so it appears the spell failed, unless. Unless Tonya’s keeping herall to herself). Where was I? Oh yes, the Olivers. Amazing healthy tasty food.Laughter and sharing and caring. And I was falling asleep by 11:00pm, right infront of everyone. Apparently staying up till 12:30-1am and getting up at6:00am every day catches up to me once in a while (it would appear I need toadjust our sacrifice time to a bit later than 6am).

Recently I was asked how manyFacebook friends I had (almost 500). Then I was asked how many of them arereal, close friends that I’d want to share my life with and hang out with andhave know the real and complete me (maybe 5 to 10-ish). I think of Facebook asan Acquaintance Book and a handy Address Book / Email List. And entertainment.And a photo-album keeper for me since real photo-albums just ain’t happening itseems. I have managed to buy a bunch of large Rubbermaid tote containers foreveryone’s old pics and school stuff and ‘histories’ to be stored. My kids willhave to put their own stuff into their own albums. I remember watching my momspend days and weeks creating my albums. I am grateful to her for that talentshe has and the time and energy she put into it. Hmmmm. Maybe I should ship thetotes to…HER … so she can make the albums.

Anyway. Friendships. Connections. Disconnections. Everything is relationship. And in the end, we're only left with ourselves. The interesting thing being, we've only ever really had ourselves all along. The even more interesting thing is, why I've ignored myself, my needs, my voice, my wants and or treated myself so poorly for so long... and more importantly, what am I going to do to make it better, for me. For if I make it better for me, it will hopefully be better for everyone, including me. And I need to be more of a friend to the only one who won't ever eventually go away: myself.

COUGAR SIGHTING

2011-09-26T17:14:00.000-07:00

Now I see why Steve likes to go hunting...

48 HOURS

2011-09-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

48 HOURS – NO MORE REPEATS,PLEASE

A lot can change in 48 hours.These past few days have been quite the roller coaster for me. I’velearned a lot. I’ve practiced being in the moment a lot (I’ve not been as upsetor emotional about things as I otherwise would have been), though, well, theywere quite upsetting and emotional things.

Maybe I’m just putting off a bigmeltdown. I feel one inside, floating around; ready to come out (maybe even needingto come out). Maybe that’s why I feel the need to type (my own therapy).

However, despite my bestintentions and occasional almost accidental capacity of ‘accepting things as they are and justbeing good with things and viewing every moment as if I had asked the Universefor it to be that way’… ... Universe, if you’re listening, please no more repeats.

MY FINANCIAL WORRIES ARE OVER!

2011-09-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

So, being the ever efficient planner that I am, and wanting to know my true financial picture and 'reality', I fed all of my financial information into the computer.

Assets. Debt. Income. Future income. Future plans. Kids education and weddings. House repairs and renovations. Vacation plans. Retirement goals.

I hit enter.

I waited.

The computer hummed.

It seemed to hum a bit of a jaunty tune actually, almost whistling too (humming AND whistling together, that's quite a talent, which this computer has, of course).

After some thought the computer said, in bright green friendly letters and with a breathy voice in the key of Julia Roberts (hey, it's MY computer, what do you expect?)... anyway, it said:

"Clearly, unless you have the winning lottery ticket, this ain't gonna work. I recommend you sell all you have. Find a tropical commune where beautiful women worship tall athletic bald men. Live off of love, bananas and pineapples. This is your only hope. Love, Deep Thought".

So, well, I suppose the sensible thing to do is to listen to my electronic friend and financial advisor, to do otherwise would just be rude (and, well, it'd be rude to be rude).

Time to pack the sun tan lotion.

I hope speedo's are 'in' this year...

GRANDMA MILLER

2011-07-31T21:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my grandmother's funeral. Margaret Shiels Miller (nee Younger). The pictures above are from about 1979-ish at the farm in Lansdowne Ontario (apparently smiles weren't invented until sometime in 1980).

WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID IF I WAS AT YOUR FUNERAL
Grandma. I love you. I have so many fond memories of you, and grandpa, and life at the farm. Those were my growing up years. I still am growing up. And throughout my growing up, till this day, I've always liked staying connected to you. I'd call you when I was newly married a few times a year. And I'd listen to you talk about grandpa and how he was slowing down. And I'd sense that you felt lonely and disconnected a bit. And I'd listen. And I'd make suggestions of things you two could do together that would get you out of the house and connected to people and life. You always had so much life in you. It's interesting that today I listen to people for a living. And offer suggestions on how they can get connected to people and to life.

You always had so much attitude. And you'd share it. No filter. It just came right out. And it wasn't mean, but it was always direct. And you were kind. And you always spoke your mind. Always with that beautiful Scottish accent of yours. I will never forget how you'd say 'book' and 'cook'. Or your laugh, and your smile and the eyes you'd make as you smiled.

I remember when my dad died. In the funeral home I sat next to you and held you with my arm around you and I held your hand. And you told grandpa and everyone around that I had "healing hands". I think that of all the compliments I've ever received from anyone, or that I ever will, that this is the one I will always think of as the best and brightest and most powerful. Giving comfort and helping people isn't what I do, it's who I am. And for you to have been comforted by me meant, and means, so much to me.

I remember the farm. And how you'd put out the tin foil pie plates full of food after dinner for the farm cats. I remember the dinners with the endless piles of food, always potatoes and meat and gravy. I remember grandpa going on and on about Government or our Leaders and swearing up a storm (coincidentally I remember my mom's face getting redder and redder the louder grandpa would become). I remember riding a cow (in a pen, I was placed upon it, but that still counts as riding a cow). I remember spending days and weeks there in the summer (sometimes in the winter) and being transfixed by the animals, the smells, the sounds, the sights, and by my grandpa and grandma. Your patience. Your laughter. Your love.

I am glad that the past few years I continued to call you and see how you were doing and to listen. I am glad for the times when I'd visit and I'd put you on videotape so I can keep listening and seeing and hearing.

Thank you, for everything you've given me. I know that I have a lot of you in me. Apparently people think I have attitude and say what I think. I rather think that's simply WONDERFUL.

I am glad that you are with grandpa and my dad and your family and friends and all those whom you love. I miss you and I will miss you.

I love you grandma...

SIZE 10/11 TO SIZE 2/3 --- HOW TONYA DID IT?!

2011-07-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

Many people (mainly people of the women-type-variety) are wondering how Tonya went from average-sized to super-DOWN-sized.

Well, let me tell you.

12 months ago she was about a size 10/11.

Today she is an average of size 3, and depending on the manufacturer/brand, sometimes size 2.

HOW SHE DID IT:

Are you ready?

Are you really ready?

Are you so sure that you're really ready that you're really ready to know and learn the secret?

Are you so sure that you're really ready that you're really ready to know and learn the secret that if I don't really say it soon you're really ready to really really really be upset?

Are you so sure that you're really really... ok, ok!... here you go!

She. Stopped. Eating. Sugar.
She eats next to no processed foods.
She does not eat red meat (seafood and chicken and turkey are a-ok).
No bread (bread, even with 281 different grains in it, is mostly just a 'carb/sugar delivery system').
She eats veggies and fruits and salads and smoothies, occasional rare wraps (a wrap is like a slice of bread but only squished (tons of carbs in a wrap).
Eating out... you just have to pay attention and avoid the bread (carbs)... for instance, at SubWay, she'll get a huge HUGE salad for $5, no bread, no wrap.
Chicken grilled salads at restaurants but no croutons (bread)... also avoid breaded chicken (carbs are higher than grilled chicken due to the breadedness of said fowl).
She. Started. Exercising. Six days a week.
She alternates her exercises so her body never gets used to the 'same old same old' (well, except for me, but we're not talking about those kinds of 'exercises').
Her exercises are: walking, jogging/running, weights, cardio 'pump classes', bike riding and swimming.
They don't have to be endurance race length workouts, just 20-45 minutes per day works.

The KEYS to her weight loss (and keeping it off) are:

reduce sugar/carb intake,
eat healthier more raw/natural/non-processed foods
exercise consistently 5/6 days a week.

That's it folks, that's all. Ta da!

EPILOGUE: Dear Reader, you just saved $25 and 5 hours of time from having to purchase and read the latest 'diet book'. Now have all you need to know to lose weight, gain muscle and improve definition and become a whole new level of 'sexy' (you're welcome).

This was of course a free service, freely given you by me and my OCD/ADHD/Inner Blogger.

However. If you're so inclined to say 'thanks' you could always donate generously to the 'Matthew and Tonya Miller Foundation'. True, it's really just our savings account and we hope to use the $ to buy something sparkly at a charity gala attended by Olivia Wilde with the proviso that a 'dinner date' with Miss Wilde be included (heavy emphasis on the word 'date'), but yeah, it'd be $ well spent (by you, so pony up!) =)

PS - YAY TONYA!

IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS... I'D BE... BETTER OFF FINANCIALLY...

2011-07-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

If I had a million dollars. Great song. Great band (Barenakedladies). Great idea.

Since I'm rather partial to great ideas, I think a rather good one would be to have a million dollars. Though, an even better idea would be to have $5 million or $50 million.

But what would I do with that kind of money?

Well, since the Universe WILL one day give me a million dollars (at least), I better prepare (note: this is called an 'affirmation', and affirmations* are my new best friends).

HOW MATTHEW MILLER WOULD (WILL*) SPEND $1,000,000

HOUSE: $220,000 in costs
- pay off current $170,000 mortgage
- $50,000 in upgrades...
- replace our roof with one with real slopes and eaves troughs
- all the house repairs, painting, new floors, new rugs, granite counter tops, real furniture (but nothing too fancy or extravagant), maybe some interior decorating, better lighting in the living room (what is WITH our living room lighting?!)
- sell the house ($260,000-ish value)
$1,040,000 remaining (we had a NET of $40,000 profit!... not really, but we'll pretend and add our equity to the $1,000,000)

NEW HOUSE: $500,000 in costs
- buy a newer house, maybe even have one custom made
- 7 bedrooms (1 for T & me and Olivia) and 6 for the kids (2 foster, our 4 Millerites)
- nice office space for me
- nice study room for T
$540,000 remaining

KIDS - $160,000
- $40,000 each in trust for College / University, not accessible until they are enrolled ... to cover tuition, transportation, rent and food etc.
$380,000 remaining

RETIREMENT / INVESTMENTS - $250,000
- $250,000 in retirement fund for T and I
- maybe I can invest in some major IPO's which I always seem to miss out on for a lack of, what is that word, oh yes, MONEY
$130,000 remaining

VEHICLES - $50,000
- Newer 8 seat mini-van - $10,000
- Jellybean Mazda miata car for Tonya, convertible - $10,000
- Cheap economic / good on gas car for me - $10,000
- $5,000 each kidlet for their own vehicle ($20,000)
$80,000 remaining

CHARITY - $50,000
- Something to help children and or the LGBTQ community, or both.
$30,000 remaining

TONYA - $29,950
- Travel, shopping, jewellery, dates with Olivia Wilde ... dates with Olivia Wilde as she's traveling and shopping for jewellery
$50 remaining

ME - $50
- Just enough for me to take you to Swiss Chalet and discuss what I'll do with my next $1,000,000...

I LOVE NEW YORK!

2011-07-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

Two lesbian grandmothers are the first to wed now that New York State allows gay marriage.

YAY!

It is kind of ironic really, their spouses cheated with each other (I'm assuming 'men with men') and they then meet to discuss said cheating, chat it up, become friends and fall in love themselves.

What if these two women had met and befriended each other and fell in love while their spouses were 'faithful'? Would it be they who could not hold back and do the cheating then? Were their spouses simply perhaps acting on their own 'true natures'? Why are we so quick to condemn and judge 'cheaters'? Programming? Assigning of meaning and judgment through our particularly tinted lenses?

True, if you make a promise and vow and break it, you've broken your promise (and to some that would be a huge deal, to others, it would mean very little -- in fact, to me, if Tonya broke her marriage vow (say, years ago before she 'knew' she was bisexual) with a woman she'd met, befriended and fell in love with... because she couldn't help being who she simply is... I'd be ecstatically happy for her -- well, ok with today's eyes I would be estatic, if I was a fearful and jealous LDS man I'm sure I'd be quite hurt and ready to condemn her as being 'influenced by Satan' (just like 99% of our LDS friends and family think we have been) ... interesting, how events are simply just events and it's how our own lens and programming is in that particular moment of our lives that colours and paints events and happenings (and people, and beliefs, and cultures, and religions, and politics, and and and...) as 'good or bad or indifferent').

I think that love and understanding need to prevail in the case of cheating and spouses 'going gay or bi'. Especially with 60-80% of all people 'cheating' on a 'significant other' during the course of their lives (stats vary depending on the study you cite), as well as with 60-80% of all women being firmly on the bisexual continuum (interestingly (to me) about 20 women now, mostly LDS or ex-LDS have contacted Tonya and I in the past year to thank Tonya for 'coming out' and for the strength it has given them to know they are not alone).

This kind of makes the argument for non-monogamy rather a winning one, since the vast majority of the human population is, by definition: non-monogamous (even the married committed folks who are 'busy' with other married committed folks aren't quite monogamous, obviously).

Anyway, it's interesting to think about, and to see how I used to think about these things in the past and how I've changed (and how the world is changing).

Yay for the two grandma's who are now legally married in New York!

Yay for me for being far more loving and accepting to all people of all genders, orientations and cultures and ethnicity's than my old dark and close-minded religious self ever could.

And most of all, a big YAY for everyone who is allowed to live authentically according to their heart's desires (in love, without causing harm to themselves or to others but rather by making "more love in the world").

I love New York!

THE SECRET LIVES AND ULITIMATE POWER OF... FLORISTS

2011-07-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

Last week I bought Tonya some beautiful pink roses. I was in trouble (an oddly comfortable place, this 'Land of Trouble' -- made comfortable by years of my visiting said Land, well, it's more of a house of sorts, ok a dog-house of sorts -- I've even got a Welcome Matt sign out front and have the inside tastefully decorated with lime green bean bag chairs *sigh, how I miss Trouble*).

Anyway.

The florist was chatty and so was I. I told her one of my first 'real jobs' was in Ottawa, 20 years ago, as a florist at Loblaws. She had 20 years solid experience as a florist and berated me for leaving such a high and noble profession (jokingly). I told her that she must have seen quite a few interesting things over 20 years as a florist. Then she began.

She said: "Oh, you wouldn't believe it! A few years ago this gentleman would come in here for flowers. He'd always share the reason why he was buying flowers, for his wife... and his girlfriend. This went on for about six months." (I noted some distaste in her countenance as she related this).

I said, thinking maybe they were in an open marriage or were polyamorous "Did they both know about each other?"

She said, with a bit of unbridled glee "They did. Once I accidentally mixed up their cards! I put the girlfriend's card in for the wife's flowers and vice versa". And she smiled.

Being the ever observant observer of obvious human behavior (stuff less than this obvious almost always eludes me), I said "Hey! That almost seems like you did that on purpose!"

She continued to smile, smugly and bemusedly and said "I'll never tell!"

NOTE TO SELF: If I'm ever sneaking around on Tonya, be sure that my florist NEVER knows!

UPDATED NOTE TO SELF: Likely easier just to date the same woman that Tonya's dating, that'd save money on flowers and then maybe I could visit the Land of Trouble less often since they'd be taking up time with each other so I'd have less time to catch 'foot-in-mouth-itis".

Florists and the power they wield.

Who knew?

BACHING IT UP...

2011-07-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

Tonya left me, again. She does this from time to time. Actually mostly summer time. Ok, family reunion time in the summer time.

She and Sadie (15, almost 16 -- don't cry Matthew, don't cry, kids grow up) are in Muskoka. Leo (T's dad and my 'dad' / father in law) rented a cottage. A few cottages, for his kids and their family. This year we couldn't all afford to fly out and be there ($5,000+-ish to fly and rent a vehicle).

And with my new job I can't afford the 1 week solid of driving time plus vacation time to be there (I've not banked enough vacation days). Driving there and back only costs about $2,000-ish... affordable, excepting the time it takes.

So we sent only Tonya and Sadie via air.

When we moved out West 11-ish years ago I promised Tonya she'd not miss a family reunion. IF my memory is right, she's not missed one. I've missed a few. So have the kids. It's interesting not being rich enough to simply just do as you please. What IS that called? Hmmmm, oh yes, normal life. :)

Anyway, today I did nothing. Well, next to nothing.

Wal-Mart grocery shopped.
Few emails.
Few texts.
Blogged a bit.
Drove a foster boy to visit his out of town family.
Dishes.
Bit of laundry.
Worried about my grandma.
Felt icky and out of sorts all morning (took some vitamins and 5htp and ginseng pills which helped)
Bleached the kids pool.
Did a bit of finances.
Read a bit.
Talked to Sierra and Mackenzie (visiting their friend Ashlyn in Airdre)
Worked on my to-do-list (added to it).
Tried to renew my driver's licence (made the mistake of mentioning my stroke from 2 years ago...now I need a doctor to sign some papers and to jump through flaming hoops to get renewed -- did I mention I do NOT like being told 'no'? I think the girl whom I discussed the merits of letting me get my licence for 15 minutes in kind yet logical tones... found me to be endearingly cute. (How could she not?)
Exercised.

Everything though listed above really was just a bit. Nothing like normal-sized. Just bite-sized.

Today was really a me-day.

A quiet much needed day of down-time.

Ahhhh, the bachelor life. It's just awesome. Well, it had moments of ok-ness.

Day 1, today I don't really care for it. It's missing something. What though? Oh yes. A woman (or womEN), and my kids.

NIGHT LIGHT

2011-07-23T10:39:00.000-07:00

Tonya is in Ontario as of yesterday. Last night I went into our room, turned off the light, got slightly freaked out, and turned on the lamp on it's lowest setting and went to sleep. Seems I need a night light without someone else sleeping with me in the room. Did I ever tell you my childhood ghost stories? Maybe one day I'll tell you (as long as the lights are on).

It's interesting to me that about 95% of all of the 'moderate to severely' affected mental health 'clients' (people - they're not patients, they're not clients, they are PEOPLE) I talk to have ghost stories.

It makes me wonder. Are we medicating away 'reality' by giving them pills to lessen or remove their ability to see ghosts, departed loved ones... or to hear music or angels... or is it not reality and simply hard-wired or chemically-induced tricks of the brain? That would of course say a LOT about religions which rely on stories of founders seeing God or Angles or spirits (not just LDS) as being their authority and or reason for existence. And what of the people who see evil things or have to harm themselves or others because of the 'ghosts' threatening them with death if they do not comply? To them, it is REAL that they will be killed if they don't harm others or themselves. Is that, indeed REALITY?

If an angel shows up to say God loves you and you feel the love and KNOW it's true... or a mobster shows up to tell you to strangle your brother in his sleep or they'll shoot you (with a gun pointed at your head) and you feel the gun and you feel the mobster breathing down your kneck and you KNOW they're about to shoot you... which is real? Or are they both simply your mind at work? Who is to judge and say? Obviously we want to medicate-away the mobster. But what of devoting your life (your $, time, talents, etc.) to an angel or a religion which your mind convinces you is true when it is also all 'just in your head'? Is that acceptable? Who decides? What is the bias? Why?

Things for me to ponder. In bed. With the light on.

MY GRANDMA MILLER

2011-07-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

Today is not a day where I am in total control of my thoughts and feelings, letting my thoughts pass by as leaves floating along a stream. Today is a day where if my thoughts even remotely think upon my grandma I start to bawl, remembering the years at the farm, my time with her and my grandfather and my dad (and my mom). The many experiences, dinners, conversations, humour, wisdom, insight, jokes, her amazing Scottish accent, her quick and biting wit. She's a major link to my father and to my own life and life experiences, foundationally, it seems as I reflect on these feelings.

She's in hospital today. She needs and is going to have surgery. Major surgery. She is frail and ill and may not live.

I know that we all die. I felt that keenly a few days ago on my last birthday, I'm middle-aged now (depending when I am going to die I may have passed that 'mark' years ago). But even knowing and realizing that death is a normal part of life doesn't make it easier. Breathing. Deep breathing. Mind-calming. Relaxation. Focus. Focus on the good. Focus on the positive. Own the sadness. Be ok to be sad. Be ok to be happy, too. Grief is normal.

Thinking about my dad at this time and my grandpa and life and memories and feeling intensely is normal. Wishing I had someone to hold and cry into and not being able to and feeling rather intensely alone, is normal. Refusing to cry or be held when people offer solace is also normal, for me. It's all normal.

I don't like normal today.

Not one bit.

A good day for a good long run and a good long cry. Maybe it'll drizzle this evening so I can run in the rain. My favorite is a steady light drizzle. Makes for a wonderfully soothing and cooling effect on my heated up self, and it just feels good to cry into the rain, to be one with the rain and water for a moment of other-than-me-connection.

Prayers and love to you Grandma.

"ALWAYS LOVE" / HAPPY DAY!

2011-07-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

Today is your special day.

There is so much I would like to say. And share. And tell. And laugh and smile about like we used to. And we know that can't happen.

But I CAN share, laugh, smile and be truly happy for you when I tell you ... I am truly happy for you.

And that I wish you lifetimes overflowing of happiness, health and love.

The only advice I could give you for your journey is the only advice I ever do give; for this is what it all, always, boils down to: Always Love.

Happy day to you!

~~ WM ~~

WE BELONG

2011-07-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

One of the most beautiful sounding and most moving and powerful songs. I fell in love with the mood, the lyrics, the love, the longing, the belonging... the instant I saw and heard her sing (when I was 12, courtesy of MuchMusic).

Recently I've been doing a lot of reflecting (big long post to follow sometime when I have a big long time to type -- since it's the start of the long succession of my 39th birthdays today you know I have things to say). Reflecting. Over the years I've taken a lot of personality tests. I'm a "high D" on the DISC profile (driven, bossy, a leader of sorts I suppose). I'm also a "chameleon" on some other personality test. And Blue/Red on some colours test. And some other colour on some other colour related test. And in the HR world I've been tested every which way but loose.

In all of these 'tests and profiles' I've always shied away from saying I was into "art" or "beauty" so I'd always score low on those colours / points / whatevers. Then recently I was reading some sort of questionnaire (can't recall the details) and it asked if you liked Art? And I immediately thought: boring pictures that don't really mean anything to me but that others oooh and aaaaah over and price them at millions of dollars with arbitrary explanations of 'beauty' and 'perspective' while all I see are disjointed faces or a flower pot... nope, don't like Art. However the question included MUSIC as an art-form. And I realized. And my insides twisted. And I knew. I am a LOVER of Art. A connoisseur of Art.

Writing is an art form.
Crafting and making movies is an art form (videography / editing).
Marketing and reaching into the hearts and souls of the audience is an art form.
Public speaking is an art form.
Directing is an art form.
Acting and delivery of lines is an art form.
Music is an Art form.

All of these things I am naturally 'always ON' to critique, look for beauty, meaning, depth and realization / operationalization of emotional connection, learning and sharing and of taking me (and you) on an inner ride of self discovery, love, loathing, and joy... the ride of Life, the ride that IS Life, through these mediums which I love... this is indeed ART.

Though I don't quite appreciate paintings as 'art' the same as others may (the same way I think of Golf as being as much of a non-sport as Connect 4)... others might not appreciate the juxtaposition of symbolism and relationship(s) in a song, or the many levels of meaning in the written word(s) of a book, or the expression in the eyes of an actor who is connecting to his/her real life roller coaster as they temporarily in front of the camera live the roller coaster written by the screenwriter.

I LOVE ART.

Maybe even a Garfunkle.

Interesting that I always would tell myself differently and that I'd just now come to understand that art is so much more than painting. I am quite sure it's because I am not a talented painter / drawer and I took that negative self view and 'painted' all "Art" with that brush. Oh how deliciously ironic.

Next time, I'll paint my irony with sugar free chocolate.

HAPPY STUFF

2011-06-19T08:34:00.000-07:00

Some happy thoughts.

#1 - It's Father's Day! YAY ME!

#2 - I have a wonderfully wonderful family.
#3 - My children are kind hearted and giving and loving towards themselves and to their parents.

#4 - I have my health! (Mentally we're not quite sure, but in all other respects tis pretty good). =)
#5 - I am in the counselling profession doing what I love and what comes naturally to me.

#6 - Tonya and I are at the happiest and healthiest place we've ever been in our marriage.
#7 - I have so much to be grateful for. Life is truly wonderful and full of possibilities and amazing opportunities and wonderful people.

SADDEST / MOST PROFOUND THING A CHILD HAS EVER TOLD ME

2011-06-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

Recently a child said to me: "My dad chose to take drugs instead of choosing to take me".

There is no commentary that would do justice to this. This child has said it all already. And lived it all, already. As has the father too I am sure. Just so profound.

ME, SIERRA, SOME WATER PIPEY-THINGS AND NO STEVE

2011-06-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

So let's talk about our roof. It's like any other roof. Well. Like any other roof in as much as it's over your head when you are beneath it, and it keeps out the sun, bugs and water. You know, it's roofy in an inconspicuous 'looks like any other roof' kinda way. Except. Except it's not. You see, this is my roof. And of course, being my roof, it isn't going to work. Things that look like they should work and that seem fine in all respects and appearances... simply don't work when they are mine. And my roof is no exception. In fact, my roof and my basement floor are intimately connected. Let me be a bit more clear. The drainage from the roof doesn't work. In fact, it doesn't work to a degree that almost all of the water that finds its way onto the roof finds its way to the sides of the house where it eagerly looks for ways to get into our basement.

Every spring and summer I need to clear off our roof (about every 2-3 weeks). The trees which are in abundance bless our roof with seeds, leaves and twigs (yesterday I found a 6 inch earthworm on the roof -- we could plant a garden with all the soil and leaves up there). And these blessings of nature in turn give our downspouts and assorted pipes (eaves-troughs? downspouts? I'm soooo technical and handy that I soooo know what these are called) serious clog-age. And the clogs cause the water from the roof (remember, it looks like any other roof, it's sneaky like that) to flow directly off the roof and over the sides of the house where it tries to enter the basement.

I usually can take a plunger on the roof and unclog-a-fy things. Serious cases call for a garden hose (on full blast) on the roof to be used like a 'probe' to go down our downspout to unclog the mess. But not today. Today's clog was unlike any before. Yesterday I knew it was there. And the day before. I kept hoping it would go away. But the thought of ripping up Sadie's basement bedroom floor (again) to replace it due to water floodage was not appealing. So I thought about calling in Steve. Why Steve? Because he's not me. Meaning: he's handy and handy-man-ish/esque. I had visions of me on a ladder with a drill trying to unscrew what I had no business unscrewing and of the entire works falling down (including me). Steve. He's the answer. He's always the answer for handyman stuff I can't do (which is to say, almost everything handyman-ish). And then. I thought. Why can't I? I did after all help him put up all the 'piping' around the house in the first place a few years ago (I held the ladder, passed him the drill, you know REAL handy-man type stuff).

So this morning I got the ladder. The drill. Some worker type gloves. And I got to work. And I started disassembling from where I thought the clog was. And with Sierra's help (she passed me the tools, held some pipes, and the garden hose (my water-probe to find the clog) I (we) found the clog. I went slow. I paid attention (well, tried to...). I didn't break a single thing. Sure there was a drill and electrical cord sitting in 2 inches of water right next to Sierra, but really, what uber amazingly awesome father hasn't almost electrocuted his daughter? (In order to 'pay' attention, you have to have it in your 'bank' to 'pay'... my account was empty just focusing on not falling (SLIGHT fear of heights here).

Then Sierra and I went on the roof with the hose and tested it out. And the clog is gone. And she and I and we survived. And I didn't even have to call Steve (or the ambulance).

Yay me!

And thank you Sierra for a lovely and fun time this morning. I am so glad you are my little helper. You are awesome! I love you!

RAPID CYCLING (WITHOUT THE BICYCLE)

2011-06-18T17:06:00.000-07:00

Lately I've had to type. It's like an addiction I think. I can avoid it for a while but it just gets a hold of me and I can't stop. Well, I can, per se. But then it's like this volcano inside of me building up with pressure and making me feel very uncomfortable. I want to say 'incomplete'. If I'm not writing, daily, I feel like there is a hole in my soul. It's a compulsion, sure. It's therapy, you bet. It's also me doing what I need to do. Like a fish that's holding his breath while in the water. Why not write? Why not breathe? Why not let the energy flow out and in and connect to the Universe? (Even if it's my own private Universe). *inhales deeply* There. That's much better.

So. What do I have to write about? It turns out, lots. Lots I can't write about. Lots I can. Let's go with 'can' shall we? Yes, let's. And. Let's turn up the 80's tunes whilst we do so. Ahhhh. Much better. Also in the background we have Mackenzie's 'come to my house and party party' with about 8 school friends running around the house, loudly, squealing and laughing and having fun. I LOVE that kind of sound. The sound of authentic happiness. I even visit there sometimes myself, hence my love of hearing/seeing it in others, being reminded that I have that still in me somewhere -- of course, it's most often found coming out from and within children, before the busyness of life and misguided life choices and or misguided peers/relationships suck it right out of them. The joy in a kid running around laughing and screaming and squealing. Pure joy. We need to be able to bottle that up and have it on standby for when ours runs low/out. Not bottle up the kid though (that's been done, apparently the authorities aren't too keen on that sort of thing). But the joy. So many people lack it. And authenticity. Myself included much of the time. Not all of the time though. I think that's what has me stick out to (or painfully 'in', depending on your point of view) so many, I say what I feel and think ... and I really feel and think what I say. Ok, on to the writing!

MY CLIENTS AND A BIT OF WHAT I'VE LEARNED FROM THEM
I've reflected of late as to what I've learned from my clients. Which is rather quite a lot. More than I can say even. I've learned about life. I've learned to appreciate all that I have today and much of what I had in the past. So much pain. So much abuse. So much neglect. So much "heart work" that they have ahead of them. So much truth. So much caring. So much adversity. So much strength. These good people have and are, so much.

I always share with them that I'm not perfect, that I'm really quite like them in most/many respects, I just happen to not have their particular severity of (insert whatever it is that they have) but that I do have it, just to a lesser or far more infrequent degree. Depression, anxiety, angst, rage, anger, fear, addiction, loneliness, mania, the whole roller coaster of emotions, I've got it too. Just. Well. My roller coaster doesn't go as high or low or fast or slow as theirs. Mine is 'normal'. Which of course is quite an arbitrary word and completely self indulgent, judgmental and relative.

Yesterday was not normal for me. I was cycling. Between feeling sad and happy and like I had tons of friends and was liked, loved, likable and lovable to feeling completely lonely and icky and unliked and unlovable. One end of the spectrum to the other, within the space of 5 minutes, several times, all day. Nothing stopped the cycling. Not even with hot 10/10 nurses smiling at and chatting with me (frankly, normally, that would put me on cloud 9). But it didn't. I tried texting since I couldn't really sit and write (I think that would have helped). I tried connecting to people which sometimes will help hold me and my roller coaster in the normal range (uhm, yeah, sorry about those 483 texts you got asking about the weather where you are). I couldn't talk myself out of the roller-coaster ride. Every few months I have a day like this. Not fun. I can't imagine what it would be like to be so out of control in my mind, with far more intensity and with far more peaks and valleys than I experience, day after day, week after week, year after year. If this is my particular and peculiar 'normal', what is it like for my clients ("people", I soooo dislike calling them 'clients', they are PEOPLE) who are moderate to severe and chronic in their intensity of mental illness and life challenges? I can't even imagine. And yet, I think I can actually glimpse it and I can imagine it... not understand it as they do, it's depths and intensity and weight, but I can glimpse it, I can grasp it. And that is a part of the connecting that we do.

I talk to people who get in rages and who are not in control: they 'wake up' after they've harmed someone or broken a TV or toilet or punched a hole in the wall (or punched a person). Depression. Anxiety. BiPolar. Borderline Personality. Suicidal ideation (thinking about killing themselves). Even homicidal ideation. I've talked to people who 'wake up' in the middle of a fist fight with cops and have no clue how they got there. Not a clue.

Mental illness is, to me: "normal gone wild". Some refuse medication. Some try it. It helps many. It doesn't help some. But it DOES help many. Cognitive behavioral therapy (thinking about your thinking, putting up barriers to slow yourself down or change your thinking and then your behaviors), helps many. CBT and meds help make the most difference when used together. Not that they go from a 10/10 down to a 0/10 with zero issues, but some get down to a 2-3/10, some just to a 9/10, most to a 5-7 out of 10. Counselling, meds, healthy diet, low-to-no sugar, vitamins/minerals, daily exercise, getting sunlight (vitamin D) and fresh air and connecting to nature and living an intentional life and wanting to change and putting in the effort of the 'work of change', all helps. It takes time. It takes effort. It takes energy. It takes creating new links in the brain, new 'bridges', new 'connections', new strengths, accessing old strengths and forgotten innate powers. It takes work. And it works (most/much of the time). And there are false starts. And backpedaling. And failures. And starting over and over and over. And successes. And great discoveries. And wonderful peaks as well as valleys. And it works. And it helps. And it's so worth it for those who wish to embark on the journey of self-help and healing (and for me to have the honour to see and participate in and to walk with them along their journey as appropriate and as needed -- though really, it's really ALL about ME, of course).

For some though, there is no help. Or at least, they will only ever get to a 9.9/10 from their current 10/10. I've come to realize this. Much in the same way that a fly realizes there is a glass window between itself and the the outside world (that is to say, I did NOT realize this, but it had to be shown to me). I've recently come to scale down and dial back my rescuing personality. I kept thinking when I started, with my naive idealism: "Ok, you have bipolar, let's beat this thing and get you all better!", like I was dealing with a cold and that some hot chicken soup and a good nap would make it all better. 1+1=2. So if you have 1 and I add 1 (meds, therapy, social supports) you will become 'cured'. I had this alarm going off in the back of my head since the beginning, far in the distance, but it was there. I'd see and hear from psychologists, doctors and psychiatrists who were dealing with 1+1=0.5, for decades sometimes, with the same patients. I'd hear "Anorexia and bulimia are notoriously difficult to treat" and then I'd hear myself say inside my ignorant mind: "Yeah, ok, so YOU don't know or understand the cure, so who do I talk to who DOES? Or if there is no cure, just give me a few weeks and I'll make one myself because we need to help these people". I kept waiting to hear the answer. I kept asking everyone. I kept reading and researching. The answer never came.

So. I've realized, some people can be helped, and helped quite a lot. And some can't be helped, or helped very little, if at all. So I've stepped back from thinking there is an 'answer and cure' for everyone's challenge(s). I've not stopped hoping I'll become expert enough to understand the curative helps which already exist and or to perhaps improve on them if they can me (what ego and rescuing personality?), or to help people go from 10/10 to a 3-5/10 more often than a 9/10.

I've stopped feeling/believing that I am inadequate because I don't have an answer to make things all better. I think that's my programming. That's how I see myself. I'm the guy people in my life have always gone to to make things better. Tonya. My kids. My friends. My coworkers. "Go talk to Matt, he's got answers, he'll help." Now I'm in a realm where there are no answers and there is some help, but rarely a cure. It's like thinking you're a master mechanic, fixing car after car for years and then walking into this one particular garage with cars that just can't/won't be fixed. You do the same things. You replace the parts (positive for negative thinking, remove old toxic relationships etc.). You oil it up (meds and CBT). It all looks like it should go and work. And it stalls. It won't turn over. It won't budge. 'Master' of very little it turns out. At least, in this particular garage. So now I focus on the dialing it down from 10/10 to wherever it can go: 9 super, 2 splendid. Without any "have to" in the equation. Without feeling or believing that I, me, myself, have to 'fix and cure'. After all, it's their life, and their work. I really, frankly, spent the first two months not thinking that. I kept worrying about all of my work that I had to do to get them better.

Which brings me to my other learning. The other day I ran around for a client. Literally. Ran. Ran around the hospital getting doctors and nurses to go the extra mile for this client to line them up for meds. A client who in the end, walked out without their meds. I had walked them to ER after meeting with them in a session seeing they were clearly off their rocker or as I love to hear from my friend "their cheese has slid off their cracker". I had explained to the nurses in ER that they needed meds. I talked to the doctor in ER and explained that they needed meds. The doctor agreed. YAY! Of any client I have, they are my most 'severe' in intensity of behaviors and in need of the most urgent help. And then, they walked out before being seen, without any meds. Their reason for walking out was: they couldn't wait any longer to see the doctor. They had waited, drum roll... 30 minutes. I was sure this person was headed for disaster. They needed meds. They walked out. They needed meds. They walked out. The key word: THEY and not me.

I found out they had left by accident, as I was in the area flirting with nurses (uhm, I mean, 'seeing another client'). Immediately when they told me my client had left without even talking to a doctor I ran around to get the doc and nurses to agree to get them meds if they returned and to see them 'right away'. And I was "like hell they're gone without getting meds" and I was soooo going to get them back. I ran to my office. I called the client. At their home. I sweetly apologized for their wait and pleaded for them to come back. I was really thinking though, in part: "Are you FREAKING kidding me?! Do you realize all of the work that I did to get everything lined up for you to get meds? You couldn't wait 5 more minutes? I set you up for success. I lined things up. I did what you couldn't do. I got you what you couldn't. All you needed to do was to wait 5 effing minutes! (Obviously the client getting meds meant more to me than to them and I was the mental patient at this time).

They came back. They got their meds. I panted. I was out of breath (emotionally, spiritually and mentally). I had run full out for a 10km race for someone who wasn't willing to even do a 1km walk for themselves. True (to my thinking) they don't have the capacity to follow through and they "can't" help themselves so they need an 'external healthy brain' to take care of them until such time as they gain mastery and control (with the help and assistance of meds, which the client did not have).

So do I let the client live in a catch-22 of not being able to have the capacity to help themselves and blame the client and or allow them to continue to spiral downwards, lose their children and maybe go to jail for their out of control behaviors? Or do I give them what they need in spite of themselves? For this I have no answer for. No clear answer. My rescuing self says: help them. My reality is: I can't do this for everyone, I'll burn out. I realize my humanity and idealism say: help those who can't help themselves. I also realize that will burn me out, quickly (like a match strapped to exploding dynamite).

I was acting like a lifeguard who gets too close to a drowning person... I was getting sucked in. I was going further than that though. I was going in the water with someone who could not swim and grabbing their arms and moving their arms through the water in a swimming motion and teaching them to swim by swimming for them, while they just lay there and let me 'swim them'. That will burn me out. I can't do it. I could if I just had one client. For a while. But even then, eventually, the training wheels would have to come off, the floaties would be deflated, and they'd have to swim on their own. As long as I keep doing it for them, they will never learn to swim or bike. They'll just keep cycling and maybe fall apart, or wait to be rescued, but never take accountability for their own change. It will be external instead of internal. And the work is for them to do, not for me (as far as they are capable of doing).

So now, I've stepped back from this feeling of 'having to cure', of 'having to find the answer' or 'having to save'. I'm now more of a coach, guide, supporter, cheerleader, counsellor, therapist. I won't get in the water and 'swim you' and move your arms for you. If you're drowning, I'll dive in and help and give you a life jacket or life preserver board; I'll even swim next to you, and if and when safe, sure I'll hold you and support you. But I won't swim for you when you can swim yourself. And I won't 'swim you'. You need to do the work of you. It's your path to healing and health, not mine. I am more balanced in my approach and have far less anxiety over not having the cure and of not being smarter than all the professionals who also don't have the cure. If they can't help, who am I to think that I can?

I am ok now not being able to make you 100% better. I am still a helper. I am still a lover of souls. I am still a giver. I still want to see you get to a 0/10 or 3-6/10 or even a 9/10 if that's all you (we) can help you get to. But. I am no longer going to give more than you are. That will burn me out and in the end not have helped you at all. I can't live your life for you. Some days I can barely live my own =)

So what have I learned from my clients? As I give my thoughts and insight and advice... I find that much of it applies to me and to my life. And I've started to incorporate some of my advice to them, to myself. Step back. Dial it down. Breathe. Relax. Not everything is a 10. What works? Do more of that. What doesn't work? Do less of that. Common sense. What could be tried? What is the root cause? How can that be addressed? Who should address it?

I've also learned I am talented. And very good at what I do. I don't always have the answer (I think I rarely do actually). But I am very good at connecting to people. And truly listening and understanding. And of getting into their hearts, minds and souls. And of giving them hope. And a plan (and sometimes those things are all that people need to have who are distraught to the point of having lost hope and are so dark in the well of depression). I have rarely had a severely depressed, despondent and suicidal person at the end of their rope not say they didn't feel hope after talking to me. And even the ones who still felt helpless and hopeless laughed and smiled. They all have laughed and smiled. Maybe AT me, sure, but still, they laughed, so I'm counting that as 'something good happened'.

And as for advice giving and receiving, well, it's interesting. Some ask for advice. Others don't. I give it anyway to everyone, cuz who doesn't need my advice? (It's ALL about ME after all). Some really want it and need it as they have no clue what to do. Others are paralyzed with fear and avoidance and yet absolutely already know what to do. Still others don't want to change. Those who do want advice, sometimes just need the reassurance that comes from having another caring person by their side to feel safe and sane with for a few minutes in an insane and unsafe world (theirs)... sometimes I am the only caring person in their lives. And that makes all the difference: knowing they are cared for and accepted 'as is', warts and all. This is what my advice always boils down to: a plan, encouragement, talking about the issues, talking about their plan, their strengths, their resources, what else do they need and where can they find it, talking about the future in a positive hopeful way...and above all, liking, knowing, accepting and loving yourself "as is", warts and all.

MY PRIVATE PRACTICE
Working in this role for the past two months has shown me that I can do this job. I think part of me was fearful that I'd open people up on the operating table and not be able to put them back together and that I'd do far more harm than good. Thankfully, that is not the case.

I've also come to realize that this is not a 'job', not at all. Really and truly it's just me being me. If I talked to you when I was 15 and you walked in as a client (person) of mine today, you would have the exact same conversation with me at 38 as we had back then. Yes, there would be a bit more: risk factors, fish out levels of anxiety, depression, psychosis, etc. But the conversation and the questions and the caring and the connecting: all the same. If I have dinner with you on a date (Olivia, are you reading this?!) and we talk for 3 hours, or you walk in as a client of mine, we're pretty much having the same conversation. I'm caring, I'm concerned, I want to know you inside and out, what makes you tick, what are your happy / unhappy buttons, what do you love, and how can I help? I'm also likely wondering how Tonya's doing out on her date with Katy Perry, because if I'm out with Olivia there is nooooo waaaaay she's at home by herself.

So yeah, I'm going to make a website (my security blanket) and I'm going to have my own 'private practice'. I already have people a few times a month approach me for counselling outside of work, so I may as well make some $ and maybe be successful enough that I can work from home and be my own Mr. Bossypants. Yay me!

JOB INTERVIEW WITH THE CITY
I didn't get the job with the City of Lethbridge. I wasn't that upset. I did spend about 12 hours in total to create the PowerPoint and hand outs and plan and prepare and practice. I did take a whole day off for vacation. I did spend 1.5 hours in the interview with the panel of 6. I did all that. And I thought I did about 80%. I was off, a bit. More in comedic timing though than in qualifications or capacity.

After the 'ordeal' (I'd say interview but really, it was an ordeal) I had serious reservations because not a single person laughed. 6 stuffed suits, very stuffy. I wanted to call 911 at one point and check them all for a pulse. If I can't make you laugh, we've not connected. I made them smirk. A smirk to me means: "This guy is weird, cooky and odd". A laugh means: "This guy is weird, cooky and odd ... and I like him!".

I realized after the interview that I could work there, but that I would not be happy. I was hopeful to work there, and also hopeful not to. Maybe they realized the same thing: I wasn't as serious or professional as they wanted. I don't know. Or maybe I was just too handsome and they knew no one would get any work done as they'd all just be daydreaming about me in the photocopier room with that one nurse. Ooops, sorry that was my daydream, my bad.

Anyway, I didn't ask why I wasn't hired. I really didn't want to know. I didn't care enough to know. The interesting thing is, even with the $ running out the end of August with my current gig, and me not getting this $90k job which would mean no more 1.5 hour commutes (each way), I wasn't angry or sad or upset. Well, I was. Five minutes. Very unlike me. No pouting, no anger, no crying, no angst. Just 5 minutes of 'What? Don't they know how great I am? What? No big pay? What? I have to keep driving 300km a day to work?. Then. Just peace. Usually you'd expect about 5 days of inquisition, inquiry and ranting and raving. 5 minutes. Somebody's growing up.

NEWSFLASH: I have a job interview this week in Claresholm! It's only 1 hour away, and it runs till March 2012. Addictions work. I LOOOOOOVE addictions work. Fingers are crossed. And I will so miss Brooks and the staff and clients there. We will see. Toes crossed.

LEO'S VISIT
Tonya's dad visited a few weeks ago. I love the man. Just love him. Such a kind and giving soul. And so opposite of me in so many ways. Conservative. Anti-socialism. Anti-gay. Anti-immigrant. Anti-pretty-much-anything-that's-not-red-neck. Pro-LDS. Doesn't believe in God. Full of contradictions (in this respect, he's exactly like me).

He played Bingo a lot. Tons of scratch cards. He interacted with out kids, which was nice for them, to have a connection to a grandparent. We tried to fix the broken door handle on my AWESOME 1990 FireFly (unsuccessfully). He and Tonya talked and she got to see her daddy and was so happy. And sad that he left. I was too.

We had one enlightening conversation about LDSness. He just sat down and started this lecture. We weren't even talking about religion or church. It was like he rehearsed it. Or more likely, he was rehearsing the things he'd heard his family repeat over and over in their cog-dis to "defend the truth".

He said, looking at Tonya with me at the kitchen table too: "Were you there?! NO! You weren't there. We don't know. But even if Joseph Smith married 14 year old girls, that's not a big deal. That happened all the time back then. And even if he married other men's wives, I don't care. No one is perfect! We shouldn't put down religions at all, ever. Like the United Church when they let the queers get married [at this, Tonya looked at me with a slightly pained look]..."

We just smiled and nodded and didn't engage. Because he was simply parroting what he had heard. He was defending something which he doesn't know about...other than what he's been told: which is half-truths and outright lies. It was enlightening to me to see that even someone who doesn't believe in God and who is 50-ish years "inactive" can still defend using the same programmed responses and cog-dis thinking. How a caring and loving man could look at his 15 year old granddaughter and think: "Well, if some 75 year old Apostle or 37 year old Stake President came and asked for 15 year old Sadie to marry him, that's alright... but queers and gays, that's just wrong". Sad.

Anyway, other than this one 5 minute awkward conversation, it was so delightful to see you again Leo. We love you and accept you just as you are: giving, kind, cranky, red-neck, racist, homophobic and LDS-loving. You are wonderful!

RELATIONSHIPS
I've peered into the inner workings of about 100 relationships. And I am floored at the levels of abuse and crap that people (men and women) put up with and inflict upon each other (and upon themselves). Just floored. So much dysfunction and pain and abuse... all normalized. Most of it multi-generational. Some days I just want to lock up entire families in a "Family Correctional Center" where they are guarded (against themselves) and taught how to be healthy, appropriate and learn to LOVE. Just wow.

And of course, I've peered into my own soul and my own relationship(s) with family and friends and life. And have seen things I can make better and do better at. For instance. I'm revisiting stopping trying to give more than others are willing or wanting to receive (a habit of mine that is so hard to break, the giver/helper/put myself last mentality)... I'm taking hints and paying attention and protecting myself from putting myself in harm's way...

I think if I was ever in charge and or had the means, I would start a Family Correctional Center. Counsellors, therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, dietitians, life coaches, friends, normal families as friends and examples...all under one roof. Without this level of intervention, we're just putting band aids on gaping wounds. I don't want to be a band aid. I want to give whole-healing and whole-helping... or at least, give the environment and supports where it can happen.

DEAR GOOGLE BLOGGER - SMARTEN UP!

2011-06-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Google Blogger,

The fact that you continue to lose my posts which I have, uhm, erhm, posted, though charming in it's own 'eff you I don't care about users' kind of way, it is NOT endearing you to me nor getting you any closer to your ultimate goal of complete domination of humankind (try sending sugar free chocolates if you want your way with me and complete control of my synapses).

Because you can't be trusted, I will keep backup copies of my posts somewhere safe (hotmail AND gmail methinks) and THEN I'll post them.

I was thinking that I'd start on my Book and Screenplay here and keep it hidden and work on it when I had a spare nanosecond, however you just can't be trusted to not unceremoniously delete my posts.

And judging by the many exact same "where the eff is my post?!" comments on your so-called "help page" which offers zero explanation and zero 'help', I would wager that others don't trust you either.

Sad.

It's not you though, it's me.

Ok, actually, it is you (big time).

But I love you anyway. We can get through this.

And.

Smarten up!

Love,

ON HELPLESSNESS, HOPELESSNESS AND HOMELESSNESS

2011-06-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

Daily I see clients who are suicidal. Either having recently attempted, are wanting to attempt or who feel that their lives and situations are so "helpless and hopeless" I am fairly sure that without intervention they would have soon attempted.

This is pretty much what I say to them during the course of our time together: "Where you see yourself, and your situation, as 'hopeless and helpless', I see a strong friend temporarily in need of borrowing some hope and of receiving some help, who's just like me and who is just like all of us: frail, human and in need of love, support and sometimes in need of a helping hand for guidance 'out of the dark' until things get better and lighter in your inner and outer world. I have hope for you. I have ideas for you that may help you see that your life is not 'helpless or hopeless'. And if today all you can do is to have hope in my hope, I'm happy to lend you some until you can find your own. In fact, you can keep it."

It's always an honour to work with people who are at the end of their ropes (some of whom have even let their ropes go). To be called into their lives by the Universe (and or Michelle our amazing Administrative Queen) and to try to respectfully see how I can help -- what an honour. And just who am I to think that I can help? I'm really no one of consequence. Just a person who cares about people and who has a positive enough outlook on life who seems to manage to convey that caring and 'hope' in a way that people respond to and hopefully in a way that they can find some hope. It is amazing to me when I see people go from no hope, to laughing and smiling, to having a plan, to feeling good about life and themselves. Not necessarily 10/10 good, but good enough to manage and to start on the path to healing and helping. Healing themselves. Helping themselves. Finding themselves. Getting out of the dark. Putting up barriers around their personal quicksand.

I know it's not me who has helped them. It is they who have helped themselves. They have changed their thinking. They have changed their inner and outer environments. They have done ALL of the work. I just provided a bit of encouragement and co-created a bit of a road-map with them.

It's just so overwhelming, to deal with life and death every single day. I've just been so busy doing it for the past two months that it's really just today hit me how overwhelming it truly is. I also know that with my keen sense of 'rescuing' and 'identification' that I feel like I'm responsible to help keep people alive, keep families intact and to move people from dysfunction to function. That sense of responsibility is an indescribable feeling, even for me, Mr. Wordy. I know it's not my 'responsibility', per se, they have 'free will', but it IS my responsibility to give them my very best that I can to be helpful. And that, thankfully, isn't a job. That's who I am. That's in my DNA. Otherwise, I think I'd burn out if it was 'just a job'.

Anyway, there's my take on a bit of my inner world at work. I LOVE my job. LOVE the people I work with. LOVE the clients. I just love it all. Do NOT love the 300km daily round trip commute.

I have a job interview this coming Monday. City of Lethbridge. Helping with their homelessness initiatives. 100's of people applied. I'm one of 3 candidates so I have a 33% chance of getting it (YAY!). My current job has shown me that I AM a good counsellor/therapist/clinician (or whatever I am). It's given me the real world stamp of approval that I needed to know that I know what I'm doing in the world of counselling (or at least, that I do more good than harm). Enough to start my own practice. I am hopeful to get the Lethbridge job, make more $, spend more time at home with the kids and Tonya (and Olivia and Julia in polyamory heaven) and to open my own counselling practice as well (part-time) to keep helping people in need of whatever help it is that I can offer. Why not? "The Universe has my back" and I've got its too (and Julia's and Olivia's backs too -- ladies, as well as doing hair, eyebrows, make up and waxing, I also scrub backs and give amazing massages, just sayin')

HAPPY PLACE

2011-05-31T18:02:00.000-07:00

Today I am practicing staying in the moment and finding my 'happy place' and inner peace.

Sometimes though, despite our own best efforts, we do need outside help.

We might just need, oh, say, a little Julia, to help find that elusive inner peace.

Yes, yes, I think we do (no offense Olivia).

DOUBLE RAINBOW (without the drugs)

2011-05-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

The other day Tonya and I were running with a bit of rain and sunshine around us and we saw a double rainbow. It wasn't quite like the reaction of the double rainbow spotting by the questionably sober doulbe-rainbow-15-minutes-of-fame-dude, but it was still quite spectacular.

I commented that it was really her rainbow, and how wonderful it was that she was so comfortable being 'out' and how happy she is now compared to when she was LDS and closeted and being abused (by homophobic self-hatred induced religious teachings) and the natural flow through from that programming and thinking to abusing, disliking and suppressing her very self.

I also thought about myself a bit and how far I've come in the past 3-ish years I've known she was bi. At that time, to be supportive and help her feel more rainbow-brite, I bought her a keychain with a rainbow flag. And, sadly, I'd always hide the rainbow part of the keychain in my hands when I used that set of keys, like I was fearful people would see it and think I was bi or gay. Ok, not 'like', that was the reason. I had this anxious and fearful thinking of "what if people think..." mentality.

About a year ago I stopped caring and today I actually prefer that keychain and like people to see the rainbow flag and to have them 'wonder'. With my supposedly 'liberal mindset', but obvious fear that I had as a heterosexual man with a tiny rainbow... I can't imagine being gay or bi or any flavour of 'queer' and being in a society with so much heterosexism and religious intolerance and self-intolerance. The drive and desire to hide, to suppress your real self, it must be so severe. And it is so: deadly so. It's not a keychain you're hiding: it's your very soul, your very self. That's a real agonizing and self-punishing pain, to suppress and hide and pretend to be something and someone that you are not. I know. I'm as close to authentic as I've ever been in my life, and I'm the happiest I've been.

Not as earth shattering news as double-rainbow-dude's 'rainbow reaction' however the realization that I've come so far along this path and journey of acceptance, embracing and loving... it's good for me to see, for me. Yay me! Yay Tonya! Yay Olivia Wilde! (Tonya mentioned something about a pot of gold she wants to share with you under a rainbow... or wait... maybe it was she wanted you to model Princess Leia's gold bikini from Star Wars? Anyway, she'd like a word or two with you).

SILLY UNIVERSE, TRIX ARE FOR KIDS

2011-05-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

So, for the past month or so I've had a bit of a pity party. Feeling a bit friendless in the world I guess. This seems to be my personal emotional roller-coaster / recurring theme song.

The best way to describe it would be it felt like my world was 'small', smaller than I'd like it to be. Like I kept saying 'hi how are you?' and or 'let's hang out soon' and I keep getting 'sure, sometime' (or no response at all) however that 'sometime' doesn't really materialize with many folks. For some folks it did materialize though and we did hang out and have fun and laugh and have 'friend time' -- so why do I so often ignore that good story and always go to the thought/feeling of being ignored and point to: " I'm alone", when I'm not actually alone at all nor friendless? It's like having $0 in your wallet and saying "I'm broke" yet you have $10,000 in your bank account. The $ is there, you just don't see it in the moment. "You" of course being ME as I talk to myself here. Hmmmmm. A therapist who talks to himself. I should talk to someone about that. Oh I know just the person... ME!

At work I get along great with the women there and with my male boss (we're the 2 men there, with 40+ women --- odd thing, that many women with two shared bathrooms and yet NONE of them can manage to remember to leave the toilet seat up for me?! How inconsiderate is THAT? Pffft. Women). There is a difference however with coworkers who you laugh with and hang out with and who will 'facebook friend' you vs. friends who will call you up at 1am with a crisis (or whom you can call up at 1am during a crisis). What I have with them and many people is what I call 'acquaintance friendship'. And it's good and necessary and wonderful (truly)... however it doesn't cause me to add any additional people on my "near and dear true friends list" (i.e. you know, the one's I can call up at 1am to whine to about the fact that Tonya's had Olivia Wilde over YET AGAIN and that I can't get any sleep...).

I know I have friends and am connected. Good friends. What the world would say are 'best friends'. However texting, email and online chatter, sometimes, after a while of no phone contact or face to face time, isn't enough. It's like it eventually doesn't 'count' (like the $ referred to earlier that you can't see or access but are assured that you somehow 'have'). Sometimes it would be fine and 'count' with some people for that's how we usually communicate. But really, I think that at my core I realize that I need more. At least a few more deep and meaningful connections. Enough so that every few days at least I'm reminded "oh yes, I DO have $10,000". And I know those friends and relationships exist for me. Steve Clarke came by the other day with Heather and visited. Didn't even call, just showed up. I LOVED IT. I felt and knew I had a friend. Because he was there. Because of our history. Because, well, he's my friend. But those visits are so rare from people, especially since we left LDSland.

I think this 'connection' I realize I need boils down to my needing to know that people are sharing their souls with me and to feel that type/sort/depth of connection enough that I feel connected. I need to know their inner thoughts, feelings and emotions. I need my friends to be 'open' to me. And for me to feel that I'm sharing my inner self with them (something, that IF I am doing with you, you then know that I feel safe and consider you a friend -- well, ok, not really, that was deflection from my inner reality - how's THAT for catching myself and pushing through the squirmy internal bits?) If I'm sharing my feelings with you then you've gotten near my core, my real self -- my feelings are my inner world, the real me, and are so hard for me to share. I'll often deflect and redirect till the cows come home, to avoid sharing my real inner feelings. I can share my viewpoints, opinions, thoughts, observations, wit, charm and good looks; have you laugh and feel happy and like a million bucks - no problem, but sharing how I feel? Oh my gosh, just poke me with a cattle prod in the eye and tell me to sing on key -- rather hard for me.

Anyway, to reach 'real true friend status' with me I suppose I need to know that I am known, and found interesting, and acceptable, 'as is'. And that you're not just using me as a body (ha) therapist / counsellor / casual acquaintance (which is also hard, I admit, because that counsellor persona and role is what I always default to, with EVERYONE -- so you need to stop me from doing that and also dig into ME and MY soul, don't let me make it all about you because I will if you let me). Of course, I could work on myself stopping me and make some inner changes... nawww, let's make it your responsibilty (soulds fair (and avoidant) to me). I need to feel that there is an exchange. That you're sharing yourself with me, and I with you, our real, authentic, truest, naked selves (figuratively of course *blush*). Frankly, that kind of connection is hard to get through a 3 word text. Or visiting once a year for a few hours as we swing through Ontario on a trip. Or through being repeatedly ignored altogether (secretly, I keep deleting phone contacts from my cell phone so I'm not tempted to keep saying 'hi' to people who clearly aren't interested in responding -- I keep humiliating myself otherwise, like I keep hoping this time they'll want to hang out or really connect with me).

Yesterday though, yesterday was a wonderful example of, well, of life and the universe being good to me. Two people (a wonderful, happy and positive couple) reached out to me (and Tonya - yay for new friends for both of us!) and really tried to connect with me and share that they found me likeable, interesting and acceptable 'as is'.

It was the end of my little pity party (hopefully for a long long time) and of feeling like I was wrapped in saran wrap (like many ADHD people feel most of the time frankly). I felt connected, like I could touch souls (theirs and, mine -- something I also avoid doing, of course).

So, I guess this installment of babbling blather comes down to this: sometimes, when the Universe appears to be shutting every door and barring every window, it's actually busily and stealthily sneaking up behind you. Getting closer and closer as your pity party gets more and more intense until right at your darkest moment it taps you on the shoulder and shouts: "Surprise! TAG! You're it!"

That wascally Universe ... *puts it in a headlock and gives it a friendly noogie*

A MATTER OF DEGREES

2011-05-08T12:01:00.000-07:00

It's interesting to me as I sit and listen to and connect with clients, that what separates me from them isn't that I don't think or feel the same as them sometimes, but rather it's often only a matter of degrees, frequency and intensity that separates us.

As I hear about their life histories, past lives, present lives, abuses, obsessions, compulsions, thought processes, inability to get out of their 'ruts', inability to control their moods, their thinking, their challenges... I see pieces of myself within all of them.

My 3 days of depression I had a month or so ago where I could not talk myself out of my mood no matter what I tried and no matter the joy or happiness in my life or that surrounded me, if it had stayed for two full weeks or more, I'd be clinically depressed. I'd be on meds (it was that intense and that 'bad'). I'm fortunate it went away on it's own. I hope it never comes back. If it did though, and stayed, I'd have crossed the line of having moderate to severe mental illness, just like my clients, and just like many of my friends in my 'regular life' have.

I will see clients one week who are clinically depressed, then the next week who present as 'normal', without anything different (externally) having happened in their lives. No meds, no new events, it's just that their brains are, temporarily, back into the normal range of chemical balance so that, for now, they are in control. And the next week, they'll be depressed again. Or manic. They are on a roller-coaster. And they can't control it. They aren't driving their own car so to speak. As is everyone on earth. No one's brain chemistry stays the same from hour to hour or day to day or week to week or year to year. Also no one's external life remains constant and situational depression (and or happiness) is always happening to/at/within us. We win $5,000 at Bingo and we're ecstatic. We have a car crash and need to buy a $5,000 car we have no money for and we're despondent. Two things that are just 'happenings', but how we view it, situationally and the story we tell ourselves about it, makes us feel either elated or depressed. I can control my thoughts and feelings, often, not always, but often. And to a degree which keeps me in the 'range of normal'. And those who have brain chemistry which is more volatile, with greater highs and lows, have less control of their thoughts and feelings. We all have our own roller coaster. It's just a matter of highs and lows, of degrees, that separates the mentally ill from the walking wounded. We're all wounded, we're all hurting, we're all damaged. But it's the level and intensity which determines who is labelled as 'ill' and who is labelled as 'healthy'.

I always knew this, this separation by degrees, in my head. However I've come to know it in my heart now, as I hear the stories of unspeakable abuse and or speak with the people who want to die who can't control their feelings and thoughts. Day in and day out I see myself in all of them, to a lesser degree, but I'm in there. We're all in there. Every person in the psych ward has the same experiences of our highs or lows within them, but to a far greater degree. My job, as I see it today, is to help people find a way to lessen the highs and lows and to gain control of their roller coaster. Like me, they will still be on a roller coaster, but the ride will be much smoother, and hopefully without any nasty upside down spins at a million miles an hour.

Anyway. Degrees. Not much separates 'us' from 'them', in fact, we ARE 'them'. We're all in this together. I think that's why I can relate and understand and connect so well, because I see we're all connected, we're all, as people, quite the same in almost all respects (often). And I also see that the major factor, often, in much of the severe mental illness I see is a lack of connection to people, a lack of true friends, loving family and healthy relationships (especially the relationship people have with themselves). Those with severe mental illness often have a lack of a 'web of supports' holding them in place -- this lack of community and connection often is the root cause of the illness (sometimes it's taken a lifetime of abuse and neglect to destroy their 'normal' from the inside out).

My other role as I see it is to help them reach out and branch out and like a spider (not a spooky one, picture a beautiful glowing rainbow peaceful spider), build their own web of new supports, strand by strand, until they are supported and held in place and not just free-falling into despair or blowing in the wind like a spider with just one strand. We ALL need multiple connections and supports holding us in place (self-esteem, health, friends, family, love (loving ourselves and others), learning, creativity, knowing we are truly known and yet still are loved and accepted by others 'as is').

Anyway, I LOVE my job. I love connecting to people and giving them insight and ideas and helping them feel known and loveable and likeable 'as is'. I do that anyway though, all the time, it's truly like I am being paid to be me. I just talk to people like I always have talked to people. And I can see that I'm helping. And I can also see I do NOT have all the answers and have a lifetime of learning ahead of me of how to help 'treat' the specific challenges people have. But I'll go into that more deeply in a future post -- time for some self-care. And yes, watching Tron with every Olivia Wilde scene in slow-motion IS self-care.

THANKS FOR THE OFFER, BUT WE WILL NOT BE ACCEPTING

2011-05-04T22:36:00.000-07:00

Tonya and I invited our favorite instructor from a College course we took a few months ago to dinner. He and his wife. We both just loved him. We'd talk for half an hour after class (and DURING class). Just clicked completely. During the course he said dinner would be fine. But after the course, Tonya continued with him in some other courses. Then through the course of continued dialogue he found out we were no longer LDS / Mormon.

Then her LGBTQ public speaking / video came out.   Then she was written up in the Lethbridge College newspaper. Then when her course was over and we invited him to dinner, he respectfully declined. I don't blame him. But it is sad. We absolutely love and adore him. Just a wonderful man. I suppose though if he was publicly and vehementally anti-gay and homophobic, it'd be hard for us to hang out with him. And since my blog is not pro-LDS and Tonya's video sheds light on the reality of harmful religious teachings (LDS and otherwise) against the LGBTQ community, I suppose he's not feeling all that warm or friendly towards us anymore.

It's too bad that differing viewpoints about religion and God and sexuality almost always create 'other' and 'us vs. them'. I suppose though it's a lot deeper than a vegan being able to be friends with a rancher. The psychology and sociology of belief and religion, just fascinating stuff really (to me anyway - WHY is it that people will kill each other, shun, judge, belittle, why is it that nations will war against nations, all because someone does not think the same as you about a God that no one has actually seen?

I have seen many people and heard about many more people who have lost family members due to being shunned or who have died (or who will soon die) due to not being able to have blood products... or many people who have divorced or will be divorced for no longer believing. Being respectfully declined for a dinner with someone we really like is small potatoes in comparison of course, but the principle of belief directing actions and interactions, for good or bad or indifferent... why belief in God and religion specifically?... what IS it that makes that so powerful that you can go from love and acceptance and 'normalcy' to all of a sudden treating family members like they are dead, or worse, allow family members to slowly and painfully die? Where is the LOVE? I see plenty of blind obedience in harmful man-made dogma. But no real love.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand (dinner, of course). Mr. Professor -- We have nothing but love for you. And we do hope to run into you again, for you are one of our favorite people. Truly.

CATCHING UP

2011-05-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

Seems like I just play catch up of late in regards to blogging. That's ok. Lots is going on in life of late. So let's just write a bit and see what happens shall we? Yes, let's. I do so love to write. It's my safe and happy and healthy place. Just starting to write this little initial bit I feel happier on the inside, like I'm doing what I was made to do (or maybe what I need to do -- or maybe both).

WORK

I'm working as a Mental Health Therapist in Brooks. I'm actually getting paid for what I do all the time, naturally with everyone. I love it. LOVE IT.

It's a 1.5 hour drive each way. This will NOT last forever as the drive is well, it's a 3 hour round trip, 60 hour a month, $600+ gas costing commute is what it is. So by winter I need to be done as it would just be horrendous and unsafe, and unsafely horrendous. And. And likely the 3 hours would stretch to be 4 or more hours with bad weather.

But I LOVE the job. I absolutely love it. I work with people (children age 5+ and adults of all ages) who have moderate to severe mental health challenges. I have seen soooooo much in the past 2 weeks. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, borderline personality and a ton of bipolar. I think that if I was going to ever specialize it would be in bipolar and borderline personality. I love working with those particular challenges and engaging with people who have those challenges. I currently think they have the pretty much the most pain and intensity of life issues (generally speaking) and that they are in the most need of help and assistance of most anyone with a mental health illness. Which of course would make sense for me to be drawn to those who are in the most pain -- to help them and to try to make life better for them. That's who I am and what I am about: a helper. The deeper the help and the more acute the need of others, the happier and more fulfilled I am as I engage in helping. It is ALL about me, after all, of course. =)

One of the most profound experiences so far was with a client who after talking for about an hour they said "I don't know why I'm sharing this with you but..." and then they shared. At that moment I knew that I had connected and was in my game, doing my thing, and doing it well. After they had shared, they looked me straight in the eye and said: "I now I have a question for you". I said "Ask away". They said to me: "Do you love people?". And I immediately replied without hesitation: "YES I love people. I love to get into their minds and hearts and souls and to see how I can help. I love to help people. I absolutely love people. That is why I am a counsellor. This is who I am". It was profound for me, to just put it out there and have it flow in a 'clinical setting', this talk of love and loving people. But it's true. That's why I do what I do. And that is why people constantly tell me things upon our first meeting or discussion that they have never ever told another living soul... because they can sense my sincerity, 'love', realness, genuineness and concern and caring.

My boss-man at work and I chatted recently. I was a bit anxious because I don't know a lot of formal techniques and tools and 'therapy treatments', per se. I was stressed that he'd think I was rather inept. But instead he said "Matthew, most often just sitting with a client for an hour, giving them an entire hour to just talk about themselves -- who gets that in real life?, is intrinsically helpful. And helping them to know they were heard and understood, and that others are out there with challenges similar to them, and maybe giving a name to what they have so they don't feel like such an 'oddball', often gives them a deep sense of hope and strength. Instilling a sense of hope and being positive, giving some tips on cbt ('thoughts, feelings and behaviors') and ensuring they feel and or can see 'hope' through mi (motivational interviewing), well, that's the bread and butter of counselling". To which I replied: I do that all the time, with everyone I know, that is who I am. I am being paid to be ME. I LOVE MY JOB". Yep. Doesn't take much to make me happy does it? Now all we need to do is move the office 1.5 hours closer to home...

BRAIDEN

Braiden was in a very serious car accident three weeks ago. A lady slowed down in front of him and he smashed into her. He was ok. She was ok. Our Sunbird was not so ok. Totaled. So now, thanks to the kindness of Dan Johnson (Elizabeth Thompson's ex hubby and author of the "I am an ex Mormon" video series), we are the proud parents of a brand new (to us) 20 year old FireFly. It gets 35mpg which with $1.24 a litre gasoline costs is a good thing. Even with that good mileage I'm still spending about $600 a month on gas to and from work. Did I mention the 60 hours a month in commuting time? Whine whine whine. Anyway, Braiden. What a kind and giving and intelligent young man you are. I am proud to be your father and I love you. And I am so glad that you weren't hurt in that accident (and that you didn't hurt anyone else).

SADIE
The past few weeks she's been talking to me. Not avoiding me. Sharing. Smiling. Laughing. Not telling me to shut up or that I'm a dork. It's like I have my daughter back. And I frankly cry a bit when I think about that (from happiness, yay me!).

MACKENZIE
Growing like a beautiful flower (what is with comparing children to 'weeds'?!). Just a lovely wonderful soul, inside and out. Like all of my children.

SIERRA
Still anxious about school. Has the odd crying fit about school but not as often or intense as before (yay Sierra!). She still comes to me to share and connect, because I get her and understand her, I am her on many levels. ADHD and being extra hyper sensitive to 'life, people and things' -- it's a connector between us two ADHD peeps.

That is all. For now.